U.S. Treasury employee misplaces $35 trillion banknote

The United States treasury department recently announced it printed a single $35 trillion banknote to pay off the national debt as part of President Biden’s “last hoorah” efforts to cement his legacy before he departs the White House at the end of the year.

Unfortunately, it was revealed this morning that the one-of-a-kind bill has gone missing after being misplaced by the employee assigned to pay off the debt.

“We were getting ready to go to the bank, so I put the bill in my right pants pocket along with my keys because I knew it would be safe,” said the employee, who asked to remain anonymous. “I first noticed it was missing when we arrived at the bank. I’ll admit, my heart skipped a beat when all I felt in my pocket was my chapstick.”

The employee also said they checked everywhere in and around the car, including under the driver seat, the obnoxious crack between the seat and the center console that’s impossible to fit your hand in, as well as the back seat. But the search ended up fruitless.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like my life was truly in danger,” said the employee. “But I have this gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I don’t find this thing, I may need to go into hiding in something. Oh, what am I worried about? It’s just a piece of paper, they can always print some more.”

A spokesman for the treasury department said it’s unfortunate that this bill, which would make whoever found it the single most powerful and influential person on the planet, has been misplaced but that it’s too early for the public to panic.

“Look, we understand that $35 trillion is a life-changing amount of money for most people,” said Peter Peterson, Treasury Department public information officer. “But if that money goes anywhere other than where it was meant to go, the national debt would essentially double overnight, sending an unprecedented crippling ripple across the globe. So, like, if you find it, could you please turn it in to your local authorities or give me a call?”

According to the department’s official statement posted on their website, the U.S. government is offering a $5,000 cash reward as well as a $100 Olive Garden gift card to anyone who recovers and turns in the banknote to authorities.

If you have any information that might help in the recovery of this absurd amount of money, please contact Mr. Peterson at 1 (202) 622-2000.

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