Satan opens new circle of Hell for those who use QR codes on digital products

HELL – Satan, supreme ruler of the underworld, has announced he is opening a new circle of Hell to accommodate the overwhelming number of new souls passing across the River Styx due to committing one of the most egregious sins of the modern era, putting QR codes on digital products.

The Quick-Response code, or QR code, is a two-dimensional matrix barcode that was originally created by Japanese automotive components manufacturer Denso Wave in 1994 but gained significant popularity with marketing professionals in the 2010s.

“Oh man, I remember when QR codes were the biggest fad in marketing,” said Donovan McNeal, senior marketing director for Vetbro T-shirt design and manufacturing, LLC. “We used to slap that shit on everything and anything. T-shirts. Business Cards. Billboards—turns out that was a really unsafe idea. Stickers. Sex toys. You name it.”

While the concept of a QR code, a barcode that can be scanned by any smartphone to redirect potential customers or clients to a business’ website, sounds very appealing, the practice of overusing the code was what originally pinged the practice as a modern-day sin.

“I saw what was going on and the red flags were just popping up everywhere,” said Satan. “I rang my counterparts upstairs and set up an emergency meeting with God to discuss what we should do with these people when they inevitably pass on. I don’t think the two of us have ever agreed on something so quickly since the Great Flood.”

The meeting between God and Satan lasted about 30 minutes and resulted in the initial outline of a Soul Transfer Agreement between the two afterlife destinations. In that STA, Heaven would receive any souls who used QR codes for their intentional purpose—to track automobile parts during the assembly process—and restauranteurs who used the codes during the COVID-19 pandemic to minimize the spread of the virus by digitizing their menus. Anyone who used a QR code on physical marketing products were sent to purgatory. And anyone who put a QR code on an image meant for digital distribution (i.e. email or social media) was immediately sent to Hell.

“I know I’m the big scary boss down here but here’s the thing, I actually don’t like seeing people down here who don’t belong here,” said Satan. “I’ve gone back and forth with God a lot about updating what is and what isn’t a sin these days. Let’s face it, mixing your meats and cheeses isn’t as taboo as it once was. Does someone really need to spend eternity in a fiery lava pit because he ate a ham and cheese sandwich? Probably not, especially if the person beside him is some kind of child molester and politician.”

Satan also said he understands why some of the newcomers are disappointed to find out they’re spending eternity in Hell under the guidance of this new STA, but his sympathy is short lived.

“We waited quite a few years to put this STA in place,” said God. “When most digital marketing products were viewed on a television or computer screen, the use of QR codes was cringeworthy but probably not a sin worthy of damnation. But everyone knows the majority of digital content these days is consumed via the smartphone. How the Hell is someone supposed to scan the barcode with their phone if they’re using their phone to view the barcode? It’s unforgivable at this point.”

Critics of this new deal between God and Satan were quick to point out that, while they agree QR codes are not as relevant as they once were, some smartphones, like the iPhone, have developed methods for scanning QR codes on their screen without the need of the camera app. And while this is true, neither God nor Satan think any of that matters.

“I’m really happy Apple has discovered a way to help people overcome this obnoxious obstacle, but that only helps less than 50-percent of the smartphone market,” said Satan. “I’ll also let you in on a little secret, we have a special Malebolge down here specifically for Apple users. I mean, c’mon people, you’re overpaying for an underwhelming product with a shitty UI and a superiority complex. You brought this one upon yourself.”

Satan went on to say that if you’re a digital marketer or someone unfortunate enough to be tasked with creating a digital marketing product, the easiest way to stay out of this new circle of Hell is to avoid using QR codes whenever possible. “Just use the damn direct link.”

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