Keyboard warriors are now experts on [fill in the blank]

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – In a turn of events that everyone saw coming, the nation’s army of keyboard warriors have announced via their respective social media platforms of choice that they’re all now subject matter experts in [FILL IN THE BLANK].

The adjustment from being experts in last week’s [INSERT TOPIC OF HOT DEBATE], to this week’s bona fide subject of national interest comes after [INSERT CATALYSTIC EVENT].

“There just aren’t enough voices out there on the internet to properly convey the truth as I see it after skimming a Wikipedia article for a few key highlights,” said Samuel Winters, an experienced keyboard warrior whose exploits include becoming an expert in a wide array of subjects such as COVID-19, male and female genitalia, and teacher firearm safety. “The fact of the matter is, most doctors, scientists, and other idiots who’ve spent years learning the fine intricacies of a particular set of skills, don’t know what they’re talking about. In reality, as someone who knows how to Google and has the fundamental reading skill of a fifth grader, no one is more qualified to express their opinions on a subject than me.”

Winters also said this transition from [INSERT OLD TOPIC OF DISCUSSION] to [INSERT NEW TOPIC OF DISCUSSION] wasn’t easy, but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make in order to help “the morons on the internet who’re too woke-minded from the deep state’s government sponsored propaganda” finally see the truth.

Critics of the keyboard warriors’ inevitable onslaught of their TikTok For You page say it’s about time they shut their laptops and go touch some grass.

“I love free speech, but I’ll be honest with you guys, not everyone needs a soapbox to stand on and they definitely don’t need to shout their stupid opinions into the online void,” said Catya Duvall, a mother of four and self-described Facebook addict. “I mean, we’ve got Karens and Kevins arguing with real subject matter experts online, and for what? Social media clout? The attention they never got as a child? To retain a shred of relevance they once had in high school? Just shut up; not everyone needs to vocalize their opinion on everything.”

Winters was quick to rebut Duvall by mansplaining how, according to blog he found from a subreddit someone shared to a closed Facebook group, social media influencers have become such an integral part of the collective sharing of information that it would social and morally irresponsible for him—and other non-indoctrinated subject matter experts—to remain silent on divisive online discourse.

“The problem with people like Ms. Duvall is that they’re not willing to do their own research,” said Winters. “Instead, they put their trust in so called ‘professionals’ who publish white papers, scientific journals, and other elitist propaganda designed to turn you into a mindless sheep. And gay, too, probably.”

For the record, there is no scientific evidence that reading peer-reviewed scientific white papers will turn you gay, but that is what Winter’s second cousin Larry said in a Twitter post responding to a very obvious Russian troll bot, so there’s absolutely no way we can convince him anything else is the truth.

As the keyboard warrior army musters for this inevitably very short war on [INSERT CURRENT TOPIC OF DISCUSSION], all we can do is block, report, and wait to see what they’ll become subject matter experts in next week.

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