To avoid offending anyone else, everyone gets an Olympic bronze medal

PARIS, France – The International Olympic Committee has made the controversial decision to just give everyone a bronze medal after U.S. Olympic Gymnast Jordan Chiles broke her silence about the Court of Arbitration’s denial of her appeal to overturn the decision to strip her of a bronze medal from the 2024 Paris Olympic games.

Chiles was originally awarded the Bronze medal in the floor exercise event at this summer’s Olympics after her coaches submitted an inquiry to the judges over her score, which initially left her off the podium. However, it was later discovered by the COA that the inquiry may have been made too late and the original scores were reverted, resulting in Chiles being forced to give her medal to Romanian gymnast Ana Bărbosu.

In a statement posted to her Twitter account, Chiles said, “I am overwhelmed by the love I have received over the past few days. I am also incredibly grateful to my family, teammates, coaches, fans, USAG, and the USOPC for their unwavering support during this difficult time … I have no words. This decision feels unjust and comes as a significant blow, not just to me, but to everyone who has championed my journey. To add to the heartbreak, the unprompted racially driven attacks on social media are wrong and extremely hurtful.”

If this were the only controversy to come out of these Olympic games, the IOC would probably sweep it under the rug and suggest Chiles come back in four years and try again. However, after the overwhelming outcry from far-right Christians over the games’ opening ceremony and the repeatedly false accusations against Algeria’s Imane Khelif gender identity, the sporting organization opted to just give everyone a Bronze medal, say “congrats”, and move on to getting ready for the 2028 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles.

“People get so goddamn butthurt about everything,” said Devon Björklund, a spokesman for the IOC. “The Olympics are supposed to be a unifying event that brings people together from around the world under the banner of sportsmanship. These athletes come from places where their nations are at war or they’re displaced from their homes. This is supposed to be a place where we put our petty differences aside and celebrate each other’s achievements. But fuck it, everyone gets a participation trophy.”

Björklund also said he sympathizes with Chiles and understands it can’t be easy to understand or accept the results of the court’s decision. “From being left off the podium, to being awarded the medal, to having to hand it back is an unimaginable rollercoaster ride.”

However, any intention to simmer controversy surrounding the games majestically backfired thanks to unclear messaging released by the IOC. The intent behind the organization’s decision was to award a bronze medal to both Chiles and Bărbosu, but the hazy wording of the official release makes it seem like they’re awarding a medal to all 10,500 athletes who participated in the 2024 Olympic Games.

The IOC has since come forward to try and clarify the message, but that has only led to more legal inquiries from the various nations. And, while the IOC desperately doesn’t want to pay the cost of minting 10,500 bronze medals, it has ultimately opted to eat that cost because it would be significantly less amount of money than bringing all these legal inquiries to arbitration.

With these new medals, here are the new medal counts for the top 5 countries in these games.

	Gold	Silver	Bronze	Total
United States	40	44	634	718
France	16	26	618	660
Australia	18	19	476	513
Great Britain	14	22	356	392
China	40	27	59	126

---

Want more Alpine 6 Action News? Sign up for the Alpine 6 Action News newsletter, join our Discord server, or subscribe to our Patreon and never miss another article!