Mario Kart champ arrested for operating without a license

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – The 1998 Blockbuster Mario Kart racing champion was arrested over the weekend by local police for operating a vehicle without a license near Sweet Sweet Canyon.

Barry Clemente, who rose to fame in the very niche professional Mario Karting community after winning the world championship hosted by the now-defunct movie superstore, was pulled over around 1:30 this morning when he was clocked at going more than 130 MPH after allegedly using a golden mushroom in a no mushroom zone.

“We understand Mr. Clemente is something of a celebrity around these parts, but that’s no excuse for the operating a vehicle illegally or at those speeds anywhere other than a certified racetrack,” said Capt. Toad, chief of police for the Mushroom Kingdom. “Using mushrooms is dangerous. Not only do they make you go faster, they create an environment where your vehicle is more difficult to control and easier to crash into obstacles or other drivers. This can be a deadly combination when the other drivers on the road are not kart drivers and are just trying to go about their business.”

The officers who initially pulled Clemente over were only going to give the famed kart driver a verbal warning but ultimately arrested him when they ran his information and discovered his license was suspended more than a decade ago for other mushroom-related incidents.

“Speed is a serious issue and our officers were willing to give Mr. Clemente a warning given the time of his infraction and the lack of other drivers on the road,” said Toad. “But when they learned about his license suspension and history of mushroom misuse, they’re hands were tied.”

Critics of Clemente’s arrest say the MKPD were grossly misusing their authority to pin these crimes, which are often treated as misdemeanors within the Mushroom Kingdom, on a celebrity to highlight Princess Peach’s new initiative to get performance enhancing mushrooms off the street.

“This is bullshit, that’s what this is,” said Koopa Troopa, a fellow kart driver and former minion of the evil King Bowser. “We have literal babies participating in life-and-death kart races. You know Baby Rosalina ain’t got no driver’s license. And you know Baby Luigi is poppin’ mushrooms left and right to help his scrawny ass out of last place. This whole situation is nothing more than Peach’s political puppets trying to manipulate the karting world in that blonde bitch’s favor.”

The royal palace has not commented directly on Clemente’s arrest but issued a statement doubling down on their commitment to rid the streets of the Mushroom Kingdom of these psychedelic drugs.

“For far too long our world has been plagued by an infestation of not-fun fungi,” the statement said. “Performance enhancing mushrooms give you speed, pump your adrenaline, and make you feel good. And, while we acknowledge these things add to the excitement of kart racing, an estimated 12,000 people lose their lives every year from impaired driving—and that’s not including the countless incidents on the Rainbow Road. We must take action and make our Kingdom’s roads safe for all drivers.”

Members of Peach’s council of Toads have suggested to the Princess that one compromise she could make to appease the growing group of constituents who’ve become vocal against her stance banning the mushrooms is to outlaw the use on public roads but continue allowing their use in sanctioned kart matches such as the Star Cup and Leaf Cup. At this time, Princess Peach has not publicly responded to these suggestions as she currently awaiting rescue from Bowser’s castle yet again.

Clemente posted the 5-coin bail set by the judge and was released from jail this morning. He has vowed to assemble the best team of lawyers coins can buy and fight to legalize recreational mushroom use once and for all.

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