VATICAN CITY – As summer begins to wind down and children prepare to go back to school, the Vatican has released its annual list of the top 10 ten commandments.

The first top 10 list was released by Moses on Aug. 22, 1446 BC and the head of the Christian faith has kept with tradition and released the list annually, which has been a highly anticipated event for Christians around the world.

“Christmas is obviously the biggest holiday of the Christian faith, but the Pope’s top 10 list is easily number two,” said Francis Dupont, a Christianity scholar. “The Commandments have been a cornerstone of the religion for nearly 2,500 years and will continue to serve as a reminder of how good Christians can be if they actually follow the word of God and don’t just cherry pick verses to feel good about their shitty behavior toward their fellow man.”

“I always look forward to the Pope’s top 10 list every year,” said Gwen Hooper, a Christian mother of eight and stay-at-home wife. “I put our kids in their Sunday best, and we settle in together around the radio and listen to Father Jacob Smalls, from our church, read the list. It keeps me on the edge of my seat every year. It’s quite the moving experience and helps remind me that I am better than all those non-believer heathens out there.”

The 100-page article, which was basically a plagiarized summary of the Book of Exodus, also known as the second book of Pentateuch or the five books of Moses, reads much like an online recipe—a whole lot of narrative describing how God rescued the children of Israel from Egypt and includes anecdotes about the Ten Plagues, the first Passover, and the parting of the Red Sea before getting to the bit people really care about.

So, to save you from reading all of that, we’ve cut out the backstory and bring you this year’s top 10 ten Commandments, according to senior leadership at the Vatican.

  1. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before Me.”
  2. “You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.”
  3. “You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.”
  4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.”
  5. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.”
  6. “You shall not murder.”
  7. “You shall not commit adultery.”
  8. “You shall not steal.”
  9. “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”
  10. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

Critics of the Vatican’s list say the annual release of the Top 10 Commandments say the clickbait format of the list is actually counterproductive in today’s society as the overuse of listicles drives away consumers rather than entice them to click, read, and learn about “the world’s greatest and only true religion” (according to Christians).

However, the Pope and the Vatican public relations team seem unfazed by the criticism as the click through rate continues to be well above the industry standard and the ROI appears to still be in the green.

“People love the Top 10 ten commandments article every year,” said Father Raul Santiago, a spokesman for the Vatican. “Are we open to new ways to reach the unconsecrated and apostates? Of course, but we’re also not going to move away from a tried-and-true method of reaching our herd until we see evidence that it’s no longer effective.”

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