J-Lo gets half of Ben Affleck’s Dunkingdom in divorce

BOSTON, Mass. – The Dunkingdom is abuzz this morning after it was announced that Jennifer Lopez is about to become DunQueen to half its citizens as part of the divorce settlement between the actress and Dunking Ben Affleck.

Lopez officially applied to have her marriage with the New England coffee shop royal dissolved on Aug. 20, 2024, two years after the couple joyfully known as Bennifer by their fans said, “I do”.

“I love every citizen of the Dunkingdom and only want what’s best for them,” said Affleck in a statement via his attorney. “And even though Jennifer and I are parting ways once again, I know she wants what’s best for the Dunkingdom, too, which, right now, is a $2 croissant stuffer when you use your Dunkin Rewards card.”

Despite the encouraging words from the Dunkin patriarch and promises that the DunKing and DunQueen will continue to work together for the betterment of its citizens, many Dunkin royal scholars fear this unprecedented moment could toss the entire Dunkingdom in chaos.

“We’ve never been in situation where the DunKing and DunQueen held equal, yet separate, rights to the throne,” said Fred “the Baker” Vale. “The palace is promising a peaceful transfer of power, but have you ever seen two divorcees work well together when so much power is at stake? The answer is no. I think every citizen of the Dunkingdom needs to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.”

Vale went on to say that while he believes that Affleck and Lopez may be able to maintain peace despite their separation, he fears what may become of the Dunkingdom when it’s time to name an heir.

“Ben has three children with his ex-wife Jennifer Gardner and Jennifer [Lopez] has two children with her ex-husband Marc Anthony,” said Vale. “According to royal law, Violet Affleck would be the rightful heir as the oldest child, however, since we’re dealing with a mixed family, it wouldn’t be too farfetched for Jennifer’s son Maximillian Muñiz to lay claim to the title as the oldest male child. If you’ve been watching House of the Dragon, you can imagine how this could unfurl. It’s not pretty.”

Of course, the royal families are denying any possibility of quarrel for the crown. A representative for Lopez said she and Affleck are working closely together to make sure their personal struggles are not going to have a long-lasting negative affect on the Dunkingdom or its people.

“Both Ben and Jen are forward thinking people,” said the representative, who asked to remain anonymous. “They’re discussing all possible solutions and will do whatever is necessary to maintain the power of the Dunkingdom—they know the slightest hint of weakness will not only weaken themselves in the eyes of the people but also will open the door for the nasty whisperings of the Starbuckian usurpers to take root in the minds of the common folk.”

According to sources close to the situation, the former couple have even considered stepping down from the throne all together and handing the entire Dunkingdom over to Matt Damon, Affleck’s closest confidant and fellow DunKing.

“A unified Dunkingdom is better than one ripped down the middle,” said the source. “Bennifer is seriously considering abdicating the throne and giving it to Mr. Damon, so long as he promises not to get into any precarious situations that requires the U.S. government to spend millions of dollars on rescuing him. The days of fighting on the front lines of wars in far off lands or joyriding to Mars is over, if he chooses to accept this new role.”

Other names that have been thrown around, should Matt Damon be unwilling or unable to take on the responsibilities of DunKing, include Tom Brady, Jack Harlow, and Fat Joe, all of whom appeared alongside Affleck and Lopez in the Super Bowl LVIII Dunkin advertisement.

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