Thoughts and Prayers company hiring to meet uptick in demand

GARY, Ind. – Thoughts and Prayers, LLC, the nation’s largest manufacturer of thoughts and prayers, announced it’s looking to hire hundreds of new employees over the next few weeks to help keep up with the country’s demand for thoughts and prayers.

According to CEO Abraham Duncan, the demand for thoughts and prayers has skyrocketed in recent years across the country thanks to the record number of school shootings, racially driven violence, and civil unrest in conjunction with the U.S. goverments overall lack of giving a fuck about solving the problem.

“It’s not that we don’t care,” said Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO), counting cash from the National Rifle Association. “But sweeping gun reform would be a violation of our second amendment, etcetera, etcetera. Plus, thoughts and prayers are cheap, they cost the taxpayers a lot less money, which means lower taxes for the weal—working class. We all want that, right?”

Thoughts and Prayers, LLC first opened its doors on April 21, 1999, just one day after the Columbine High School massacre in Columbine, Colorado after Duncan and his business partner, and Chief Marketing Officer Thomas Derango, noticed the country’s overwhelming desire to send thoughts and prayers to the victims and their familes.

“Do they actually help? God, No,” said Derango. “They’re tchotchkes, nothing more. But giving them out seems to give people a sense of meaningful action, even though, I think, they know it’s actually a pretty hollow gesture without real action to change the problem that got them here in the first place.”

Since the company’s founding, the thoughts and prayers industry has grown into a multi-trillion dollar industry, a growth that has only been eclipsed by one other industry: healthcare.

“Our founding fathers believed we all had the God-given right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” said Mary Thurgood, a mother of a school shooting victim. “But our government’s greed and lack of morals is allowing the gun industry to take those rights away from our children. I’m sorry, but no weapon is worth more than a child’s life.”

“Honestly, I wish the government would try to put us out of business by passing some meaningful gun laws,” said Derango. “Look, I think the second amendment is one of the most important pieces of governance in the history of our country, but when more than 6,000 children were killed or injured by guns last year alone, something needs to change.”

Derango also said, that while the reduction—and hopeful elimination of gun violence in America would take a serious chunk out of his company’s bottom line, the thoughts and prayers industry isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“There are disasters happening all around the world that would benefit from some thoughts and prayers,” he said. “But giving and receiving these gifts take on a whole new meaning when you know the disaster wasn’t something that could’ve been avoided if some politicians weren’t so goddamn greedy.”

If you’re interested in learning more about the positions the company is hiring for, send them a message on AOL Instant Messenger.

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