America running out of places where “we never thought this could happen here”

TOO MANY FUCKING PLACES – After yet another mass shooting that has left multiple people dead and injured, America is running critically low on places where people can legitimately say, “we never thought this could happen here.”

The shortage is so great, in fact, that experts believe America could completely run out of places directly uneffected by gun violence by 2035.

“America is a country built on a religion of guns; we’re basically Madalorians,” said Dr. Kenneth Poole, a statician with the Gun Violence Archive. “Unfortunately, because of a series of systemic problems in our country, we’re seeing more and more people unloading their emotional and mental burdens in unhealthy ways.”

As families reel from the unexpexted loss of their loved ones in this tragic event, lawmakers on Capitol Hill are frantically trying to work across the aisle to figure out exactly how many children need to die as a result of firearm violence before the money they accepted from the National Rifle Association is no longer enough for them to not give a shit.

“Kids dying is bad, I won’t deny that,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). “But I really, really like my private jet and hasty vacations to Mexico when the Texas power grid shits the bed in the middle of summer.”

Cruz also said, on a positive note, that he believes congress is close to agreeing on a number of deceased jouveniles necessary to begin the process of drafting a bipartisan piece of legislature that would essentially end gun violence in America, for good. Unfortunately, he doesn’t believe the country will hit that threshold before the end of the fiscal year, when that number would essentially reset for the next year.

“Look, I mean, all of us up here on the hill know exactly how to end gun violence in our country and we’re really close to finding that magical number,” said Cruz. “But we’re going to need a lot more mass shooter events if we’re going to even have a shot—pun intended—of hitting that mark. Have I told you how much I love my jet.”

To help facilitate the stacking of bodies, several lawmakers have doubled down on efforts to give firearms to every teacher in America in the hopes that their inexperience with firearms and life-or-death situations will result in a few careless shots and extra departed souls to bump our numbers up.

“Arming teachers isn’t just the right answer, it’s the American answer,” said Congressman Steve Scalise (R-La.), as he cleaned an AR-15 rifle at his desk. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to help my congressional comrades illegalize abortion more than we already have so we can replace the kids we lost.”

Now, as the nation waits, in mourning, for its elected offials to do literally anything to stop the next mass shooting, the congressional janitorial staff have already fetched the brooms for when it’s decided to sweep this latest tragedy under the rug.

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