Congress: We could do something, but we won’t

YOU KNOW WHERE – In an astonishing show of unwavering commitment to doing the absolute minimum, a prominent first-world nation has once again decided to address its rampant mental health crisis and skyrocketing gun violence epidemic by firmly doing … nothing.

Despite overwhelming evidence that the combination of untreated mental illness and widespread access to firearms is, in fact, a problem, the nation’s leaders have chosen to focus their energies on the tried-and-true methods of thoughts, prayers, and vague tweets.

“We’ve looked at the data, the mass shootings, the suicides, and the psychiatric hospital shortages,” said Richard Ryder, a government spokesperson who looked shockingly relaxed at a press conference following today’s mass-shooting. “After careful deliberation, we’ve decided the best course of action is to continue ignoring all of it.”

Experts were not surprised by the move. “This is classic first-world leadership,” said Dr. Nadia Actionian, a political analyst. “They’ve mastered the art of appearing deeply concerned without having to lift a single finger. It’s actually quite impressive.”

Meanwhile, the general public has taken a similar approach, with a notable portion of the population participating in what scientists have dubbed “distraction therapy,” which involves pretending the problems don’t exist by binge-watching reality shows and posting memes about how ‘crazy’ the world is.

For those suffering from mental health issues, there’s the traditional route of waiting for months, sometimes years, to see a professional. If that doesn’t work, many are encouraged to scroll through their phone’s app store and download the first mindfulness app that appears.

When asked about the country’s booming gun culture, Ryder assured reporters that everything was “fine” because “we’ve already banned illegal guns. Now, if people can’t use illegal guns responsibly, that’s on them.”

However, not everyone is taking the nonchalant response so well. Advocacy groups are demanding something be done—anything, really—citing rising death tolls and the nation’s continued decline in the global happiness index.

“Look, if we start addressing mental health care seriously, we’d probably have to fund it,” said Rafael, a senator from this first world nation, who asked that we only use his first name. “And if we tackle gun control, well, there goes our reelection campaign. This isn’t rocket science, folks.”

Rafael went on to explain that, while tragic, the real solution to these issues might just be a little bit more patience and a lot more talking about how “we really should do something, someday.”

In the meantime, as mass shootings continue to occur with the same frequency as weather reports, the first world nation’s leaders have assured the public that their thoughts and prayers are indeed with the victims.

After all, what more could they possibly do?

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