ABC to add shock collars, live fact checking to debate

PHILADELPHIA – Due to recent outcry about the incessant amount of lying by our politicians and an overwhelming desire for the truth and transparency from those seeking votes from the American people, ABC has made the controversial decision to equip Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump with shock collars during their televised debate Tuesday.

The collars will be administered by on-site third-party fact checkers who’ll be monitoring both candidates’ choice of words very carefully and administering a jolt of electricity every time one of them lies.

“The fact is, people are really sick and tired of politicians lying through their teeth and spreading disinformation,” said Gregory Thatch, a spokesman for the American Broadcast Company. “We think the shock collars, which will be managed directly by our vetted team of fact checkers, will help our audience understand when a candidate is lying in real-time. This should help diminish the spread of disinformation by identifying it as it’s being told.”

Thatch also said the intensity of electrical shock will be directly related to how honest, or dishonest, a candidate’s response is. For example, an answer that’s identified as mostly true might receive a small shock, whereas something identified as completely false would render a much more painful response.

“We know both politicians are going to lie,” said Thatch. “Lying is basically their native language. However, we’re hoping that after one intense jolt of electricity, which will basically clench their throat muscles closed for a few agonizing seconds, will be enough for them to understand that lying will not be tolerated.”

Although officials from both camps are outraged by this decision and have expressed their willingness to back out of the debate if this isn’t overturned, the thrill of holding each candidate accountable for what they say is making this one of the most anticipated debates in modern history.

“I really can’t wait to see [Harris’] face wrinkle up like a prune when they expose her lies when she’s asked about her accomplishments over the past three-and-a-half years,” said Dom Jacobson, a Republican voter from Oklahoma. “Of course, Democrats are disgusting sinners, and she’ll probably get off on this woke kind of BDSM—which is something I, as a straight white Christian male, am totally not into, obviously. Shut up and go away.”

“Right now, I’m Googling how much electricity the human body can withstand,” said Larry O’Donnell, a Democrat voter from Massachusetts. “We all know Ol’ Donnie boy is a pathological liar, and I don’t need to see him almost die again on live TV. Well, I really just don’t need the MAGA crowd flooding my social media feed with more unhinged conspiracy theories about how the deep state is out to get him.”

Alpine 6 Action News has gotten a hold of a leaked internal memo from the Harris campaign, which identifies how uncomfortable the Democratic presidential nominee is with doing the debate, but highlights how the potential first female president in the American history plans to endure anyway.

“Vice President Harris is, understandably, not comfortable with the use of these devices as it leaves the interpretation of the truth up to a group of individuals the camp has not had an opportunity to vet as truly unbiased and there are certain things we don’t want to be 100-percent honest about,” the memo said. “That being said, the Vice President is a woman of color in America and has proven time-and-time again that she is capable of maintaining a neutral posture and positive demeanor in the face of uncomfortable adversity.”

We reached out to the Trump campaign to get a better understanding of how the Republican candidate is feeling about the use of shock collars, given his affinity for stretching the truth well beyond the limits of comprehension.

“Look, it doesn’t matter,” said a Trump campaign manager who wished to remain anonymous. “We can prep him for days and drill into him that he needs to tell the truth, but the moment he starts talking there’s no rhyme or reason to what he will talk about. Let’s just get it over with we’ll deal with what he says after the fact.

The next presidential debate is scheduled for Tuesday, Sept. 10, 2024, at 9 p.m. on ABC and can be viewed on ABC News Live, Disney+, and Hulu.

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