Biden announces 9/11 memorial invasion of Afghanistan

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden announced that the United States is heading back to Afghanistan as part of a memorial invasion to honor the 2,977 people who died in the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001.

The United States first invaded Afghanistan on Oct. 7, 2001, kickstarting the nation’s longest war which lasted nearly 20 years until President Biden ordered the withdrawl of all troops on May 1, 2021.

“When I first took office, I made a promise to the American people that I would bring our service men and women home, and I fulfilled that promise,” said Biden during a press conference at the White House. “But I’ve received a lot of critical feedback about how we left Afghanistan, and I can’t help but agree that seeing the Taliban retake the nation so quickly after we left leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Perhaps, we weren’t finished over there, after all.”

The president has framed the invasion as an operation designed to memorialize the men and women who lost their lives on 9/11 and the subsequent Global War on Terror. However, sources close the president have suggested the invasion will primarily focus on retaking opium fields and reopening the manufacturing and sale of opium products to help offset the strains of inflation, the national debt, and to finance his student loan repayment program.

“It’s no surprise that Americans are suffering right now because the cost of living is at an all-time high while salaries have remained stagnant,” said the source. “You throw in post-pandemic inflation, price gauging, and supply chain bottlenecks, and it creates the perfect storm for shattering the middle and lower classes.”

The source went on to say that since Biden suspended his campaign for reelection, handing the reigns of the Democratic party over to Vice President Kamala Harris, he’s pulling out all the stops and doing everything in his power—and some things out of power (thanks presidential immunity!)—to set his successor up with the best economy possible.

“Unemployment is at an all-time low and the stock market is at record highs; the only thing left to do is make the simple act of living just a little bit easier for the average American,” said the source. “The president also said, fuck politics, fuck party lines, fuck all my haters, my party ousted me and I’m outta here anyway, so there ain’t nothing that’s gonna stop me from setting the status quo on fire.”

The decision to go back to Afghanistan has put Republican lawmakers, who have historically benefited from the military industrial complex, in a difficult situation where they now have to condone the use of our military on foreign soil because our current political environment strictly forbids anyone from either side of the aisle from agreeing with the other party.

“This is an irrational move made by an elderly man who has clearly lost his mind,” said Rep. Kevin Hern (R-OK). “Right now, we have trillions of illegals passing over our border every day to eat our beloved pets, we have woke mobs trying to make life better for all Americans, and we have regular Americans starving because it costs $150,000 for a loaf of bread. We need to put America first. We need to do what’s right for America and not what fills my coffers the quickest.”

Of course, Republicans aren’t the only politicians to have lined their pockets over the two decades the United States has fought to install democracy across the Middle East. Many Democrats, who’ve invested significant chunks of change into the stocks of military contractors are excited to once again make an ungodly amount of money from the blood, sweat, and sacrifice of our military members.

“Look, the wars in Ukraine and Gaza and helping put food on the table, but the truth is, it doesn’t matter how much taxpayer dollars we pump into those wars, we don’t control the troops on the ground, which means we can’t control how long this war lasts,” said Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D-R.I). “Afghanistan was great because we determined how long we remained in country, which meant we had a significant hand in keeping those stock prices high. I think we’re all feeling the itch to get those prices back up and keep them up. That’s a bipartisan issue, no doubt.”

Many Americans are, as you might suspect, less than thrilled about the president’s decision to send our men and women in the armed forces back in harm’s way. Diana Hunter, the gold star mother of a Marine who lost his life serving in Iraq, said it was like a weight off her shoulder when we finally left Afghanistan because it meant a lingering moment of peace where other mothers and fathers wouldn’t have to feel the pain of greeting their child’s flag-draped coffin at the airport.

“My son lost his life fighting a war that started before he was born,” said Hunter. “He didn’t watch the Twin Towers fall in New York. He didn’t watch the Pentagon burn. He didn’t have any buy in to this war. But that didn’t stop him from raising his right hand and swearing an oath to serve his country because he believed, despite all our differences, America is a land of freedom and that’s worth fighting for. Then he died thousands of miles from home and the country he loved didn’t even care. I hope no other parents ever have to feel that pain.”

While most Americans sympathize with Hunter, a large group of veterans are eager to jump back into the fight and try to avenge their fallen brothers and sisters who died in Afghanistan trying to make it a better place—only for that hard work and their memory to be wasted after the Taliban took over.

“I have never felt a bigger punch to the gut than when by friends fell in combat and when the Taliban took over Afghanistan when we left,” said Master Sgt. Francis Ahearn. “Watching those terrorist assholes march into Kabul was a dark stain on the memory of every U.S., NATO, and Afghan soldier who lost their lives trying to fight those bastards. I say, let’s go get them.”

Of course, Biden’s promise to return to Afghanistan might be a bit premature. According to the U.S. Constitution, the president doesn’t have the authority to declare war, that power is vested in Congress under Article 1, Section 8. The president can, as Commander in Chief, order the armed forces into direct military operations.

So, what does that mean? According to our sources, Biden’s announcement was meant to test the waters of the American people, but will unlikely take any official action until after the election this November.

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On a serious note, all of us at Alpine 6 Action News, remember and honor everyone who died on September 11, 2001, and during the Global War on Terror. Please consider donating to any of the numerous charities (such as Tunnel to Towers, Pinups for Vets, or the FDNY Foundation) that go to support the families of the fallen and those injured in the line of duty.