Refugees pen cookbook of family’s favorite cat recipes

SPRINGFIELD, Ohio – A family of Haitian refugees has self-published a cookbook of their family’s favorite recipes that use domesticated pet meat as the main ingredient.

The timing of the publication has come under scrutiny as former President Donald Trump and his running mate, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance have gone all in on the bizarre belief that immigrants are eating our pets.

“In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs—the people that came in. They’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people that live there. And this is what’s happening in our country, and it’s a shame,” Trump said in his recent debate with Vice President Kamala Harris.

Although unsubstantiated, the publication of the cookbook appears to have added fuel to these flames as thousands of copies have already been sold, namely to GOP sympathizers who’re flooding to social media to show it off as proof that Trump and Vance aren’t weird and that the mainstream media is out to get them.

“Y’all thought we were crazy, but I’ve got the proof right here in my hands that these illegal immigrants are coming after our dogs and cats to eat them like the savages they are,” said one TikToker.

However, there’s just one problem. The book doesn’t actually feature any recipes that use domesticated animals as an ingredient.

“To insinuate that refugees are some kind of lesser human who would eat cats or dogs outside of life-or-death situations is just racist,” said Augustin Casimir, a chef who emigrated from Port-au-Prince and co-author of the cookbook. “But that doesn’t mean I’m below capitalizing on this bullshit to make a few bucks. Art of the deal, am I right?”

The cookbook, titled Cat, the third white meat, features a wide array of popular Haitian meals, such as soup joumou, diri ak djon djon, and lambi—none of which require searching the alleys for stray animals as part of the prep time.

“I mean, you could substitute the beef or seafood for cat, dog, hamster, whatever, but that would be really fucking weird,” said Casimir.

He also said a majority of the sales he made have resulted in a request for a refund, but thanks to a no-return clause his publisher slipped into the sales agreement, he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

“All I wanted was to prove to my friends that Trump wasn’t lying about those criminals,” said Todd Hammond. “Instead, I got a cookbook, a real cookbook, to make some really good-looking Haitian cuisine. I’m pissed the book was false advertising, but I have to admit I’m gonna try some of these, they look dope.”

At the time of writing this article, Cat, the third white meat has sold over a million copies and is slated to land on the New York Times bestsellers list.

Casimir said the money he’s made from royalties has absolutely changed his life and is looking to pay it forward by donating a large chunk of the proceeds to organizations helping refugees and other displaced persons find safety and asylum, like UNICEF and the International Rescue Committee.

“I came here to escape poverty, and I found a fortune,” said Casimir. “This is the American dream, I think. But I can’t let this money get to my head, I need to remember where I come from. That’s why I’m donating every cent I don’t need. I want to help other people find their American Dream, too.”

Cat, the third white meat is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other major book retailors.