Local goth melancholic from lack of encounters with homicidal supernatural beings

A local goth has announced she’s feeling rather melancholic thanks to the fact her life hasn’t been overrun by encounters of bloodthirsty, homicidal supernatural beings hellbent on turning her into one of their own or killing her.

Helen Dombrowski, who prefers to go by the name Selene Voorhees, after Kate Beckinsale’s character in the Underworld series and Jason from Friday the 13th, spent her entire adolescence praying to Satan and dreaming of a day when a handsome vampire, sexy werewolf, or androgenous mass murderer would turn her life into a real-world horror story.

“I have spent my entire life training to be the perfect prey for a demon or cursed soul who wants nothing more than to rip my intestines from my gut and drink my blood,” said Voorhees. “But all the Freddys and Jasons of the world only seem interested in the big-boobed bimbos who look stunning in slow motion. It’s not fair.”

Although Voorhees’ obsession with the paranormal may seem outlandish to many, she’s not alone in her desire to embrace more fear in her life. In fact, she started a Facebook group of other horror aficionados in 2015 that has grown to more than 15,000 active members. The group began as a fandom for all things horror like movies, comic books, and video games, but has evolved over the years to be a safe place where people can talk about their fantasies.

“At first, all we’d do was talk about the latest Rob Zombie film or discuss The Walking Dead,” said Voorhees. “But we quickly realized that all of us were there for a similar purpose. We were all ‘freaks’ in the eyes of our classmates and our parents. It became a place where we could be ourselves and not feel ashamed of it. One thing led to another and here we are today, talking about our deepest, darkest, and often time sexiest, occult fantasies.”

To help overcome their mutual disappointment by the lack of paranormal activity in their lives, the group organizes large social gatherings every Friday the 13th at the local cemetery to roleplay some of those fantasies and perform rituals in the hopes of conjuring some indescribable evil from the depths of hell.

“Every time we get together, we try something new, a promising ritual or spell that someone found online,” said Voorhees. “So far, nothing has worked but we’re not giving up. Look at any horror movie, ever. The protagonist is shunned from community because of their attempts to contact the hells. But they don’t give up and eventually they succeed. Their plan for a beautiful Hell on Earth is usually thwarted by the antagonist trying to save humanity, but that’s all fiction. We won’t let anyone get in the way of our plans.”

Voorhees also said that the gatherings will usually end in a massive orgy to help relieve the disappointment of another failed séance.

“Woah, woah, woah, I didn’t say it was an orgy,” said Voorhees, breaking the fourth wall. “I said it was a ritual of lust and fornication to summon Asmodeus, the king of demons from the age of Solomon. Do you really think I would let some of the people have sex with me if it wasn’t for the greater good? Gary has a tiny dick and Gwen bites my nipples too hard. No thank you.”

Despite her overall enjoyment of the periodic event, which has been aptly dubbed SatanCon, Voorhees admits she would prefer a more intimate experience with evil.

“My SatanCon friends are some of my closest and most dear friends,” said Voorhees. “And while I would love to summon a legendary demon with them, my heart still yearns for that one-on-one experience with an Edward Cullen or a summer running for my life through Camp Crystal Lake.”

Although we’re not entirely certain a supernatural monster will become a reality anytime soon, we’d be remised if we didn’t take a moment to say there are real, terrible people in the world and that you should be safe out there. Happy Friday the 13th.