Botched weekend safety brief leads to uptick in DUI, drug overdose, and prostitution related arrests

PEMBERTON TOWNSHIP, N.J. – Local police were cashing in their overtime this weekend as a rampant rise in drug, alcohol, and sex related crimes involving service members from Joint Base Mcguire-Dix-Lakehurst swept the area.

After an initial investigation, the catylst for this spree of debaucherous behavior was identified as a weekend safety brief by 2nd Lt. Victor Josey, a platoon leader assigned to the 99th Readiness Division, which was designed to help prevent this type of behavior.

“I saw a lot of memes on Reddit about silly safety brief messages, like ‘don’t add to the population and don’t subtract from the population’, and I thought I could try something like that to connect with my troops in a more fun way,” said Josey, who graduated from the Reserve Officer Training Course, or ROTC, last month. “I guess it didn’t really resonate as well as I hoped. Maybe it was my delivery?”

According to many of the soldiers who’re currently awaiting bail at the Burlington Country jail, it wasn’t his delivery so much as his direct endorcement of this behavior that our military sources say is “unbecoming of a soldier in the U.S. Army.”

“The LT literally said, ‘If you get caught drinking and driving, doing lines of coke, or bustin’ a nut in a hooker, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone and I have bags of clean piss for the next urinalysis’,” said one soldier, who asked to remain anonymous. “A lot of us took that as permission to behave recklessly. The rest of us were guilt tripped into going along with it.

Although this soldier’s defamous claims against his platoon leader may sound like something a disgruntled employee might say, as it turns out, the story was corroborated between multiple sources being held at various jails across the state.

“Did I say all thay? Yes,” said Josey. “But it was a joke. I don’t understand how anyone could see this as anything but a joke. I mean, who acts like that, honestly?”

As it turns out, the junior enlisted do.

According to the soldiers behind bars, Josey literally showed them the bags of piss he had hidden in the wall behind a framed “Hooah” motivational poster like he was Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption.

“This whole thing is a colosal clusterfuck,” said Maj. Gen. Kris A. Belanger, commanding general of the 99th. “This behavior is absolutely unexcusable and, after a thorough investigation, appropriate punishment will.be handed out to all parties involved.”

According to a press release from the Joint Base Mcguire-Dix-Lakehurst public affairs office, Lt. Josey has been relieved of his duties and the the 87th Medical Group is conducing base-wide testing for sexually transmitted diseases and offering free abortion services to local sex workers affected by this lack of professionalism and common sense.