Gov. Kristi Noem to offer free dog hunting class in Ohio this week

SPRINGFIELD, Ohio – Governor Kristi Noem (R-N.D.), who made headlines earlier this year for admitting she murdered her pet dog in her new book No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward, is scheduled to host a canine hunting class this week.

The highly anticipated course comes on the heels of former President Donald Trump and Sen. J.D. Vance (R-Ohio), his vice-presidential nominee, making erroneous claims that Haitian refugees in the state are eating people’s pets.

“I don’t condone the consumption of pets,” said Noem. “But if people are going to do it, the least we can do is teach them about the benefits of our God-given right to the second amendment and how to get a clean kill, so you don’t waste any of the meat.”

Noem’s actions have drawn criticism from both sides of the aisle. The democrats shunned her actions for continuing to fuel a racist lie against honest people, and she’s also been blasted by members of her own party because it appears she’s attempting to help a marginalized group of people they’re actively trying to discredit.

“Right now, we’re really trying to focus the limelight on the immigrants in order to paint them as an enemy of the United States,” said House of Representatives Majority Leader Steve Scalise (R-LA). “This shifts the focus away from Trump and Vance’s tangle of lies and really weird comments and creates a scapegoat for the American people similar to how we all mutually hated Muslims after 9/11.”

Scalise also said Noem’s actions could accidently reveal the fact that not all immigrants are rapists, murderers, and criminals, which would completely undermine the narrative they’re trying to spin.

According to a leaked memo from Republican leadership, Noem will need to either stop moving forward with the class or face suspension of national GOP funding in her next elections, effectively relinquishing her seat for another candidate.

“Look, I understand we’re supposed to hate these people because they look different than us or speak a different language, or whatever, but I can’t help but feel like my skills in killing domesticated animals is going to waste here,” said Noem. “But of course I will cancel the class, filling my pockets is way more important than helping those less fortunate than me.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Gov. Noem has postponed her course indefinitely but would encourage everyone to check out her book, where she graphically outlines how she killed multiple animals throughout her life.