Millions of dead citizens turn out for National Voter Registration Day

With less than two months left until the election, both the Republican and Democratic election teams are feverishly working around the clock to get as many new, eligible voters registered to cast their vote this November. Volunteers from both parties have gone knocking on doors, setting up booths at county fairs, and making phone calls to try and encourage every American to exercise their right to democracy.

While the vast majority of effort has been guided toward living, breathing citizens, one marginalized group is coming forward to make sure their voices are not buried. Millions of dead and undead citizens flocked to registration offices around the country on National Voter Registration Day to make sure their names will be on the roster when it’s time to shuffle their way over to the ballot box.

“For years, people have told us that our voice doesn’t matter, that it doesn’t count, because we’re dead,” said Sheryl Coombs, who passed away in 1834. “I didn’t even have the right to vote when I was alive and now, we could potentially have our nation’s first female president. Do you really think I’m going to stay cooped up in that mausoleum all day while the men go out there and keep Washington a good ol’ boys club? I don’t think so.”

Of course, current U.S. law prohibits dead individuals from voting in any election, but a growing grassroots movement is hoping to shed light on the discrimination against the formerly alive.

“I exercised my right to vote in every single election before my heart gave out on me,” said Gavin Escobar, who passed away in 2002. “But now that I’ve lost my pulse, I’m no longer capable of rational judgement when it comes to the future of my community and my nation? I thought we were the land of the free, but I guess that doesn’t apply to all people. Where have I heard that excuse before?”

Despite it being illegal to vote after you’re dead, there are credible accounts in which a handful of votes make it through the cracks in the system. According to Charles Stewart III, a political science professor at MIT who specializes in elections, the majority of these cases involve a citizen who cast their vote early and then passed away or is simply a clerical error where a living person casts a vote on behalf of a deceased person with a similar or identical name, rather than their own.

“In a perfect world, we’d be able to scrub our rosters and get it perfect before election day,” said Sarah Dubois, city clerk for San Antonio, Texas. “Unfortunately, people move, people die, and some people register that day. It’s not a perfect system.”

It was this imperfect system that Trump tried to take advantage of when he lost the 2020 election by claiming thousands of dead people voted in the election for his opponent, President Joe Biden. The one battleground state he levied the majority of his legal action toward was Pennsylvania which he and his team called “an epicenter of voter fraud.”

Unfortunately, out of the nearly 7 million Pennsylvania voters, there were only two votes that appeared fraudulent. The first was from Denise Ondick of West Homestead, who requested an absentee ballot but was unable to vote before she died of cancer; her ballot was mailed in the day after she died. The second was a gentleman from Luzerne County—a registered Republican—who attempted to apply for a mail-in ballot in his dead mother’s name.

“Yes, every once in a while, it turns out that someone votes in the name of someone who’s passed away,” said Justin Levitt, a law professor at Loyola Law School and a voter fraud expert. “A handful of votes in a sea of millions. It’s not OK, but it doesn’t swing results.”

But making it OK is exactly what this group of undead would-be voters are trying to accomplish. The movement, which many have dubbed The Walking Dead, in reference to all the walking they plan on doing to the polls this fall, was spurred on by the rhetoric and overall fallacies about dead people perpetrated by Trump’s legal team.

“We are the silent majority, but we’re not going to be silent anymore,” said Thaddeus Williamson, who perished in the Battle of Gettysburg. “For too long we’ve laid here, allowing the fleshies to walk all over our graves. Well, no more! This November, every dead American is rising up and marching to the polls to make sure our voices are heard from the state house to the White House. Dead rights are human rights. We won’t settle for less.”

The Department of Defense has issued a domestic terrorism warning for Tuesday, November, 5, 2024. Many governors have already put their National Guards on high alert, warning their citizens that a massive zombie outbreak could lead to a stretch of civil unrest unlike anything we’ve seen before.

“A zombie apocalypse of this magnitude would make January 6th look like a child’s birthday party,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin. “We have 100-percent of our military on standby orders and I’m working with the Joint Chiefs to make sure every branch is postured and ready to respond at a moment’s notice.”

“America was founded by the living, is for the living, and will remain for the living so long as there’s breath in my lungs,” said President Joe Biden. “We will not allow our great nation to fall to the decomposing hands of these ghouls. We will fight. We will prevail.”

“Of course we don’t want the dead voting in our elections,” said Trump. “I’ve been saying this for four years now. Dead people shouldn’t vote. But you look at Sleepy Joe and Comrade Kamala and they’re letting the dead rise, you know. They’re doing the voodoo with all those illegal immigrants they’re letting into the country. They’re taking our jobs. They’re eating our pets. That won’t happen when I’m president again. No dead people. None. It’ll be illegal. I’ll deport every single one of them. We will make America Great Again.”

This November, don’t let the zombies win. Register to vote by clicking here and show up to the polls on November 5th to vote for the candidates and policies that best represent your values. It’s the most American (an alive) thing you can do.