Report: it’s too early for this shit

NATIONWIDE – Reports are rolling in across the nation that it’s way too early for this shit.

“This shit”, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is anything that requires too much mental capacity prior to the morning’s first cup of coffee.

“We used to have a level of decorum in this country where this shit would wait until after breakfast,” said Larry Donovan, a childless dude who just wants five more minutes of sleep. “Now, we’re living in a society that gets pissed off if a text message isn’t responded to within 30 seconds of a read recipt.”

Donovan also said he misses the days before cell phones and social media. “Life used to be so much simpler when you weren’t tethered to the internet and able to be reached 24-7.”

While most Americans are sympathetic to Donovan’s plight, a certain subsect of the population can’t help but feel envious for his naivete to all the other shit he could be dealing with.

“I wish my biggest problem right now was an unanswered email,” said Rebecca Stanley, a mother of four who has been up since 5:45 this morning to get her oldest daughter to hockey practice. “I would straight-up murder a man for a latte and a nap. I don’t think I’ve had a full eight hours of sleep in a decade and I can’t sit down for more than five seconds before I hear my name screamed from somewhere in the house to help with a menial task that my little crotch goblins are more than capable of taking care of themselves.”

According to experts, the only effective over the counter solution to dealing with this shit is caffine, most popularly consumed via coffee or energy drinks.

“The global caffine market is projected to reach a value of $1.2 billion by 2031,” said Gerald Monson, a coffee historian. “This is largley due to an increased demand directly related to the increased amount of shit people have to deal with every day.”

Monson also said other factors such as a healthy diet, regular exercise, and appropriate water consumption can help reduce the need for caffine and better prepare for the daily shit we have to deal with, but admits they’re not as easy to build into your daily routine.

“We should all strive to be healthier,” said Monson. “But waking up and going to the gym or going for a run sounds like a miserable idea if that’s not already part of your day-to-day. Will you feel better in the long run? Yes. You’ll probably live longer, too. But a cup of coffee is ready in three minutes and the heaviest thing you need to lift is the creamer out of the fridge.”

Solutions for reducing the amount of shit we have to deal with has been a hot topic on Capitol Hill for decades, but no bi-partisan solutions have ever been brought to the floor for a vote.