The answer to your engagement bait is just one Google search away

THE WORLD WIDE WEB – Social media was once a utopia for keeping in touch with friends and family, but in recent years it has transformed into a cesspool of obnoxious engagement bait questions that can easily be answered with a few strokes of a keyboard and an active internet connection.

As a matter of fact, the search engine Google has become such an integral tool in modern society that the company’s name has become synonymous with researching information.

“The entirety of recorded human history is available at our fingertips, 24-hours a day, on demand,” said Dominic Tull, a data science engineer at AltaVista. “And yet, rather than using this incredible tool to expand our intellectual capabilities, we build libraries of cat memes that make the Library of Alexandria look like a small town public library.”

Despite this overwhelming collection of information and an easy-to-use, free tool to help search and navigate it, most people still turn to social media to ask questions they should be capable of finding an answer to themselves.

“I don’t think it’s really an issue of inability to use a search engine,” said Tull. “I think our society and our economy has put such an enormous emphasis on influenter culture that most people don’t give a shit about honest connection anymore; they only care about boosting engagement to raise their serotonin and getting enough likes to go viral and maybe, if they’re lucky, build a big enough following to monetize their account.”

Tull also said this lack of interpersonal connection has also led to an increase in online toxic behavior.

“We used to post antsy, enigmatic song lyrics to bait people into asking us if we’re okay, to strike up a conversation,” said Tull. “Now, we steal other people’s statuses verbatim and ask the same controversial questions again and again—not because we care about the answer, but because we know the human psyche can’t resist posting a response.”

According to experts, one of the easiest methods to reduce these desperate cries for attention is to “mute” or “block” the question mark symbol on your social media platform of choice. This will, of course, hide legitimate questions from your feed as well, but let’s be honest, people who have honest questions just Google it or use Reddit.

Of course, this method is only about 99% effective. For the grammatically challenged attention farmers out there, dropping this article in their comment section will fulfil their insatiable lust for likes while also giving you the moral high ground of calling out their bullshit.

Maybe one day we can return to the days of Facebook pokes and Myspace Top 8’s. But until then, just remember, if your post ends with a question mark, just fucking Google it.