Tooth fairy arrested for grave robbing

DEVENS, Mass. – The Tooth Fairy, a mythical creature known for collecting children’s teeth in exchange for money and gifts, was arrested last night after she was caught grave robbing at the Fort Devens Post Cemetary late last night.

Local authorities found the highly elusive sprite covered in dirt and plucking teeth from the skull of Thaddeus Cromwell, who died in 1865, after responding to a 9-1-1 call made by a concerned neighbor who heard strange sounds coming from the graveyard.

“We assumed it was probably some teens sneaking in to smoke some weed or drink some beers,” said Capt. Nicholas Folk, Devens chief of police. “We never expected to catch a legendary creature like the Tooth Fairy attempting to rid our dearly departed of their pearly whites. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.”

The Tooth Fairy’s arrest has brought to light the general misunderstanding of why the Tooth Fairy actually collects these teeth. Some believe she uses the teeth as construction materials to build her fairy kingdom. Others believe she turns them into stars and hangs them up in the night sky. However, thanks to a statement the Tooth Fairy made to authorities after her arrest, we now know the truth.

“I need the teeth to brew a tincture to maintain my eternal life,” she said in the statement. “Children’s teeth are the best because they’re filled with youthful stem cells which make the tincture more potent. But these older teeth work well, too, I just need more of them.”

The Tooth Fairy also said that culling the children’s teeth helps reduce the number of disembodied teeth around the world, which she estimates would’ve consumed the world three-times over since humans evolved had she and her kind didn’t provide this service.

But it isn’t just the Tooth Fairy who is struggling right now. According to a statement made by the Tooth Fairy’s lawyer, many mythical creatures are turning to alternative methods for procuring the items they need to maintain their immortality and relevance in modern culture.

“Tooth donations are down nearly 60-percent this year thanks to parents giving in to societal pressure to lie about the existence of the Tooth Fairy,” said Leia Albertson, the Tooth Fairy’s lawyer. “Without teeth, the Tooth Fairy is destined to fade away to legend like the Mari Lwyd. That would be a horrible day for humanity and a very bad day for our planet. No government on Earth has a policy in place to deal with overflow of discarded teeth if the Tooth Fairy isn’t free to do her job.”

Albertson also said she believes this arrest was the result of occult bias and that her client had shown remarkable restraint given the alternative.

“We’re all familiar with my client’s history of grotesque behavior the last time there was a tooth shortage,” said Albertson. “But she learned from her mistakes and has chosen to take a path of less violence this time around. The fact she chose to take the teeth of the deceased highlights her commitment to the safety and wellbeing of all humans.”

The events Albertson is referring to is, of course, the infamous 1947 Yorktown murders, in which 115 people were found murdered with their teeth violently ripped from their skulls over the span of a month in the small town of Yorktown, Virginia. It’s a crime that went unsolved for years, but one she admitted to in her memoir, The Tooth Crisis, long after the statute of limitation lapsed.

The Tooth Fairy was being detained at the Massachusetts Correctional Institution – Framingham following her arrest, but was released after posting the $150,000 bail, which she paid in quarters. The state’s district attorney wanted the judge to deny her bail because he was afraid she would be a flight risk but was overruled due to the state’s inability to properly detain magical creatures.

Massachusetts law against grave robbing can carry a penalty of up to 20 years in prison and/or fines of restitution for the family of the deceased. If found guilty and sentenced to prison time, the Tooth Fairy would most likely serve that sentence in a specialized DARPA holding facility near Washington D.C.

The Tooth Fairy is expected in court next week where she is expected to enter a “not guilty” plea.