Boyfriend: “I’ve got a banana right here for you”

Dock workers up-and-down the East coast of the United States affiliated with the International Longshoreman’s Association (ILA) union went on strike Tuesday which is expected to lead to shortages and delays in imported goods such as coffee, wine, and bananas.

This expected delay in goods hitting store shelves has sent American consumers into a buying frenzy, stockpiling necessities like toilet paper, water, and other goods not actually effected by the strike.

Despite the chaos, one faithful boyfriend latched onto the opportunity to try and seize a quick coital relationship with his girlfriend who was having a legitimate panic attack about the situation.

“Don’t worry about it, babe I’ve got a banana right here for you,” said Caleb Smith, 28, removing his pants to expose his erect member.

Mary Washburn, 26, was unimpressed by the lewd remark during such a temultuous time in our country, but admitted the sight of her boyfriend flailing his dick around like a helicopter did get her feeling a certain way.

“Caleb can never take anything seriously, but damn it, he knows a good trip to Poundtown can help relieve a lot of my stress, I love him for that,” said Washburn.

Sadly, after only a few minutes of edging, news that the ILA and the Unites States Maritime Alliance agreed to a tenative deal, ending the strike, broke.

“I was right on the edge, man. I was so close,” said Smith. “Then her phone pinged and it was game over. No more stress means no more need for stress release.”

The dock workers are undoubtedly excited about the deal, which included a 62% pay raise over the next six years. But that deal also came at the cost of two blue balls.

“It’s fine; the important thing is that she’s happy and stress free,” said Smith, desperately trying to rub one out to relieve his own stress. “I can do this myself anyway. I’ve been doing the solo act for years anyway. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at this. The best, even.”

Sounds of sobbing could be heard on the other side of Smith’s bathroom door.

“Do I regret leaving him with blue balls? No,” said Washburn. “I love the idiot, but if we’re being totally honest, he’s a bit of a two-pump chump. He usually doesn’t even last long enough for me to fake an orgasm.”

Washburn also said she’s excited about the reopening of the East Coast ports and may run down to the local grocery store to pick up a bunch of celebratory bananas to, well, celebrate—if you know what we mean.