Scotty still doesn’t know

In 2004, Scott Thomas, a lovelorn teen from Ohio, had his heart broken when Matt Damon revealed, via the summer’s hottest music track, that his girlfriend Fiona was engaged in a sex-fueled affair with the professional cameo actor.

Scotty Doesn’t Know, quickly rose to number one on the international pop charts and became an inescapable reminder for Thomas that he’d spent his high school years in love with a girl from Smallville, Kansas who, every Sunday, would tell him she was in church, but was actually visiting the yogurt factory with Damon in the back of his van.

“I swear I have PTSD from that song,” said Thomas. “It followed me everywhere that summer. Although it isn’t played as often as it once was, I’ll occasionally hear it on the classic rock station or while walking down the aisle at the grocery store.”

It appeared things turned around for Thomas after he went on a wild adventure across Europe with his best friend Cooper and twins Jaime and Jenny to find his sexy pen pal Mieke, whom he’d accidently severed ties with after sending a rude drunken email.

After making amends, Thomas and Mieke enrolled at Oberlin College together, even becoming roommates after someone at the college mistook Mieke for being a male. It was a happily ever after as cliche as an early 2000s teen sex comedy.

Of course, if the story ended there, we wouldn’t be writing this article.

In 2006, shortly after Damon got his big break in Hollywood starring in Martin Scorsese’s Boston Crime Thriller, The Departed, he and Fiona broke off their sex-crazed romp. To rebound, Fiona visited a friend who also attended Oberlin College, where she met a particular young German exchange student dancing on a table at a party.

Fiona and Mieke hit it off instantly and spent the remainder of the semester in a passionate lesbian affair—once again, behind Scotty’s back. They promised to break it off that summer, after Scotty proposed to Mieke, and she accepted.

Unfortunately for Scotty, Fiona lived up to the “nastiest, freakiest, little sex puppet” nickname Damon had given her and Mieke couldn’t keep her promise to stay faithful following the engagement.

“I love Scotty, he’s a really great guy and makes my heart feel full,” said Mieke. “Sadly, he isn’t built to make other parts of me feel full, if you know what I mean. Fiona, though. Oh God, I can’t even begin to describe how she makes me feel. My toes are tingling just thinking about it.”

Out of respect for Scotty’s feelings, Mieke and Fiona have kept their infidelity a secret, seeing each other once a week for a wild, freaky night between the sheets.

“She tells him she’s out shopping, but she’s with me and I’m not stopping,” said Fiona. “I’ve grown a lot since we were in high school. Back then, I thought I was looking for a relationship, so I kind of felt bad for cheating. That’s why I broke up with him. Now, though? Now I realize sex is just sex and doesn’t have to mingle with our love lives. My boyfriend thinks it’s hot I have this fling. Sometimes I facetime him as I ride her face.”

And for the most part, the arrangement has worked out. By getting laid with Fiona, Mieke has felt less concerned about her lack of orgasm with Scotty, which has helped improve their relationship outside of bed, which now includes two children.

Mieke has considered telling Scotty, but she’s heard him talk about how much Fiona’s infidelity affected him. So, for the time being, she thinks it’s better that Scotty doesn’t know.