The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, or DARPA, has quietly apologized for its malfunctioning weather machine that has accidently created some of worst hurricanes to hit the Eastern seaboard in human history.

Rescue forces in North Carolina are still working through the carnage left in the wake of Hurricane Helene, which ravaged the state and killed more than 200 people. And now the entire state of Florida is at risk of being wiped off the map from Hurricane Milton which has escalated to a category 5 storm faster than any weather model has predicted.

“Yeah, this is all our bad,” said Thomas Diaz, a spokesman for DARPA. “The weather machine was intended to create low-level cloud cover and moderate storm surges to help give our special forces units additional cover and concealment when performing high altitude, low opening airborne operations in combat areas. However, during our stress test of the machine, we may—or may not—have accidently pushed things too far.”

Congressional whistleblower Marjorie Taylor Greene immediately attempted to expose the truth behind these storms via her Twitter account, but most rationally minded people brushed it off as a hoax.

Greene attempted to double down on her claims by sharing memes of all the patents that have been filed for weather changing machines. However, Twitter’s community notes quickly debunked the graphics as the majority of those patents are for technology that’s arguably less effective than snake oil.

“The patents? Oh, yeah, we regularly patent a whole bunch of bullshit to throw people off the trail of our tech that really works,” said Diaz. “My favorite is US1103490A which is just a machine that dumps water from a hot air balloon. It’s so dumb. They’ll let us patent anything.”

Deniers of DARPA’s involvement in these cataclysmic events argue that the cause of these unprecedented weather events is a wild conspiracy theory called “climate change” which has been scientifically proven by weather experts around the world. Even NASA, the country’s foremost leader in sciency things involving the atmosphere and stuff, has been bit by the woke virus and made an entire webpage dedicated to peer-reviewed scientific evidence “proving” climate change is real.

Of course, this isn’t the first time DARPA has caused a mess of things. Remember that historic aurora back in May? DARPA. What about the 4.8 magnitude earthquake in New Jersey in April? Yup, that was DARPA, too. All this evidence against DARPA causing unnaturally unprecedented natural phenomenon has to make you wonder, are any of these events real, or do we just live in a Sim City-style simulation with a 12-year-old DARPA employee keen on whacking the natural disaster button?

Regardless of whether we’re on a one-way crash course to destruction via man-made climate change or these disasters are from a man-made weather device controlled by someone hellbent of eradicating the entire Southeastern portion of the United States, the universal truth is this: if you’re in the way of this storm, get out. Your house, your car, your things can all be replaced. But you can’t. Don’t risk it. Evacuate.

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