Woodchuck sets world record for most wood chucked by a woodchuck

It’s a question as old as time; how much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

For generations, our school system taught that a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could, if a woodchuck could chuck wood because science couldn’t provide a concrete answer. It was kind of like the phenomenon in quantum mechanics known as “particle spread”. When observing a woodchuck, no wood was chucked. But as soon as you look away, wood miraculously appears to get chucked.

But now, thanks to one large, American ground squirrel more interested in fame than keeping one of the animal kingdom’s most elusive mysteries, we have an answer.

Chuck Norris, a 2-year-old groundhog and distant relative to Punxsutawney Phil (and no relation to the martial arts meme master), mesmerized a crowd of nearly six intrigued passersby to a Guinness World Record setting spectacular of wood chucking.

“I’m so sick and tired of people thinking all we do is predict the duration of winter,” said Norris. “Here’s a fun fact, we can’t control the weather or the seasons—last I checked, the government didn’t hire literal rodents. And yet people treat Phil like a damn idol. I just want to show people what woodchucks are truly capable of.”

“I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but I had a few spare minutes before my appointment, so I thought, ‘what the hell, let’s see what this is all about,'” said Frank DiDonato, a passerby. “I don’t really care if a woodchuck, or groundhog, whatever we’re calling them, can chuck wood. I haven’t thought about that tongue twister in probably 20 years.”

According to Guinness World Record rules, Norris had two minutes to chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could to set the new world record. As soon as the timer started, he began gnawing at the first log.

At the end of the two minutes, Norris had chucked a whopping zero logs. As it turns out, woodchucks can’t chuck wood. They never could. All the world’s chucked wood was chucked not by woodchucks but by their distant relative, the beaver.

“I’m embarrassed,” said Norris. “I don’t understand why we’re called woodchucks if we can’t chuck wood. It’s kind of a misleading name don’t you think?”

Woodchucks, more commonly known as groundhogs in the United States, earned their name from the Algonquin word wuchak, not from their capability to chuck wood. Early English settlers likely adopted the name wuchak but it evolved to woodchuck because it sounded more familiar in the English language.

Guinness World Record representatives said Norris can attempt the world record next year, should he choose to.