Hitman—A Philosophical Journey Through Crime

In today’s cinematic landscape, where everything from ancient mythology to breakfast cereal mascots is being adapted into “true story” dramas, Hit man stands out as a masterpiece of accidental career choices and midlife crises. Based on the allegedly true story of a Louisiana State University (probably?) philosophy professor moonlighting as a police tech guy (because why not?), the film takes a bold, philosophical stance on the meaning of life, death, and spreadsheets.

When our hero—the bespectacled and sweater-vested Prof. Gary Johnson—is forced to step in for an undercover cop during a hitman sting operation, we watch with bated breath as this mild-mannered scholar transforms into an unlikely assassin. Or at least, into a guy who gets really into pretending to be one. Because, as any academic will tell you, “Those who can’t do, teach … and those who can’t teach, apparently become fake hitmen.”

Watching Prof. Gary take his newfound role so seriously is like watching a suburban dad discovering CrossFit. It’s a hobby at first, then an obsession. Before long, he’s studying assassination techniques the same way he once dissected Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason. With a newfound zest for life (and death), our hero dives headfirst into his fake profession, because, let’s face it, grading papers and arguing over Aristotle gets old.

All is going well until the fateful day when a local femme fatale strolls into his metaphorical office and asks him to bump off her husband. (Because, let’s be honest, all hitman stories need a touch of film noir—even if the hitman’s usual attire is khakis and an ironic t-shirt). But instead of playing the cold-blooded killer, Prof. Gary does what any self-respecting philosopher would do: He turns the situation into a Socratic dialogue. “Is murder truly the solution to your marital dissatisfaction, or are we just trying to escape the chains of Plato’s cave?”

This, of course, leads to the woman falling hopelessly in love with him, because apparently nothing screams romance like a guy who can wax poetry about Nietzsche while convincing you not to commit homicide. Naturally, things go downhill from there, because if there’s one thing worse than an ethical dilemma, it’s falling in love with your fake hitman.

The film crescendos in a tangled mess of emotions, ethics, and bad decisions—like a Greek tragedy, if Oedipus had been a philosophy professor who accidentally became an assassin. And the grand finale? Oh, it’s a chef’s kiss of cinematic genius. The “Where Are They Now” montage before the credits had me questioning my entire existence. (Spoiler: Prof. Gary is currently teaching a new course: Philosophy of Contract Killing: Ethics and Practice.)

With a solid 9/10, Hit man is the philosophical action-romance you never knew you needed. It’s a rollercoaster of existential crises, amateur assassination, and awkward love stories that’ll leave you wondering: Is life really just a series of mistakes we call fate? Or, more importantly, should I rethink my career options?

*Please be advised, the previous review contains spoilers and affiliate links*