Ghost watches in disgust as his former body does nasty zombie stuff

SALEM, Mass. – The ghost of a local deceased man watched in horror as his body unexpectedly sprang back to live and began doing all sorts of nasty zombie stuff.

Danny Duncan, 64, passed away suddenly after falling ill from an unknown virus he aquired after being bit in the ankle by a man he assumed was passed out in the alley behimd his favorite local bar last weekend.

“I didn’t think much of it at the time, I thought the guy was just piss drunk,” said Duncan through a seance with a medium we hired from a late-night infomercial. “As it turns out, he was an undead monster and now I get to spend the rest of eternity watchimg my body lurch around town doing all sorts of gross, nasty shit.”

Duncan, a vegan, said he would’ve vomited multiple times if his ethereal spirit was capable of doing it. Since dying, Duncan has witnessed his undead corpse bite the heads of squirrels, disembowel deer, and, most recently, watch it crack open the skull of an unsuspecting woman and eat her brains.

“The worst part about that isn’t watching it, which is horrible, but having to explain your corpse’s actions to the recently liberated spirits of its victims,” said Duncan. “I mean, what do you say in that situation? ‘Sorry by body killed you and is now consuming it for nourishment. I’m not really in control of it at the moment.”

The spirit of Helen Foxworth, Duncan’s victim, said she was angry at the zombie when she wad first killed, but admits that no longer being tethered to the mortal coil is actually pretty liberating.

“At first, I swear I could’ve killed Danny if he wasn’t already dead,” said Foxworth. “I had so many plans in life. I wanted to travel around Europe, party at Burning Man, and, I don’t know, buy a house, maybe. But then I realized that, as a ghost, I can still do all those things but now I don’t have to worry about booking flights, buying tickets, or having a mortgage. I can just haunt my way into these things.”

Foxworth also said she’s grateful for Duncan’s reanimated corpse for actually comsuming her body rather than allowing it to turn into another walker. “I’m glad I don’t have to watch her go through that.”

After their initial awkward conversation, Duncan and Foxworth got to talking and realized they actually have a lot on common and are planning their first date, a trip to the Eiffel Tower in Paris.

So, was it fate that brought them together in the afterlife, or was it a cosmic coincidence caused by a deadly virus destined to cull the majority of humanity from the planet?

Only time will tell.