Get spooked with Art the Terrifier

I feel that I must start this review by saying this movie does one of the most incredibly annoying movie tropes in this history of the silver screen. The story starts where the story ends, showing viewers an event that, had it played out in chronological order, would’ve been more impactful for the viewer. However, this movie said, ‘screw the viewer’ and did it anyway.

Now, with that off my chest, and with spooky season well in the works, I felt it was high time Alpine 6 Action News started talking about some spooky flicks. I decided I should dive into a series I’ve been meaning to watch, but I’ve been too busy drinking and getting lost in my basement. Thankfully, I’ve found my way upstairs with special thanks to my trusty dog, Rubber, and he led me to the couch where I was finally able to put on Terrifier One and Two.

We begin our journey at—surprise, surprise—the end! Because why tell a story in a linear, sensical fashion when you can just spoil the climax in the first five minutes? It’s the ol’ let’s show a major event before we earn it trope. You know, the one that leaves you with a vague feeling of Why am I even here? Then, as if the director knew this is exactly what you’d be asking yourself, he refuses to answer that question because he’s the artist damn it and if you don’t get it, then perhaps his work is just too avant-garde for your menial little mind. So, he still drags you through every gory second like a clown dragging a rusty saw through, well, something squishy.

So, what’s the plot? A killer clown named Art. Think Pennywise, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers got together and decided to adopt a mute child with severe knife and smile addictions. Now, I can imagine the brainstorming session for Art the Clown went something like this:

Movie Exec 1: “We need a villain. But which one? Freddy, Michael, or Pennywise?”

Movie Exec 2: With a maniacal glint in his eye, “Why not all of them?”

And thus, Art was born—a silent, bloodthirsty, mime-like creature of pure nightmare fuel whose only motivation appears to be … vibes. Seriously, if you’re looking for the reason behind his carnage, don’t bother. Freddy had revenge. Pennywise had fear. Michael had family issues. Art? He just wants to kill people. Maybe because it was Tuesday, and one must murder on a Tuesday.

Seriously, all he wants in life is to stab people and creep them out. And he did it all with a smile on his face and without muttering a single word or sound. Art the Clown is a truly fantastic character. He embodied everything you want in a movie horror villain. He was creepy, his motivations were clear, and he stole every scene he was in. In fact, he was probably the most enjoyable character in the movie because everyone else in this franchise was basically copy-and-pasted from [insert any generic slasher movie].

So, to quickly summarize, Art the Clown likes to kill people and he’s not afraid of making a mess. In fact, I suppose I could have mentioned that this movie is not for the squeamish. Like, if you’re not comfortable with bodies being drained of all five-liters of blood in a single, grotesque scene, this movie may not be for you. And let’s tip our caps to the art department on this film, if there was any CGI, I missed it. I genuinely appreciated the practical effects throughout both these movies. Admittedly, I had to do a quick Google search to make sure all the actors were still amongst the living and that I didn’t just spend my Sunday afternoon watching a true crime documentary.

Anyway, after we watch the end of the movie—a news broadcast interview with one of Art’s victims—and learn that Art the Clown was killed, only to discover that his body has vanished from the morgue, we zip back to the real start of the story to find Victoria, our main protagonist, and her friend Dawn drunkenly leaving some Halloween party. Rather than hopping behind the wheel, they decide to walk to a local pizza shop because nothing tastes better drunk than shitty pizza.

editor’s note: Alpine 6 Action News commends these women (who’re about to be dead anyway at the hands of a maniacal monster) on their decision to not drink and drive.

While waiting an absurd amount of time for a single slice of pizza, our clown of an antagonist enters the pizzeria and does what he does best: smile too much and be a creep. After Art shits all over the walls of the pizzeria’s bathroom (off screen, thankfully), Victoria and Dawn sober up enough to drive home. They walk back to their car, only to discover that their tire has gone flat in the most deus ex machina way possible.

So, Victoria calls her friend for a ride and, rather than going back inside the party or back to the pizza parlor (which was obviously within walking distance), they decide to hang out in a creepy old building which was described in multiple ways throughout the film, a warehouse, an apartment, and an office building. Of course, this building looks absolutely like none of those it’s described as. Rather, it would be more suitably described as Ronald McDonald’s fun house of terror.

After some gratuitous violence, everyone dies and the movie ends.

Just kidding.

One of the victims is Tara, who was inadvertently dragged into this hellish nightmare because her sister Victoria couldn’t wait for her at the damn pizza parlor. So, rather than eating a nice slice of ‘za, she’s having her entire face eaten off, revealing that it was she who was giving the interview at the end—er, the beginning— of the movie.

Oh, and Art shoots himself in the head and his body is take away to the morgue … which we already know he escapes from because he isn’t actually dead.

In yet another classic horror movie trope, the risen Art kills the nameless mortician extra and wanders off into the night. In a move we can only assume was made to cut for time, or people just don’t care about the lives of minor characters, the dead mortician is never mentioned again.

editor’s note: Alpine 6 Action News appreciates and supports all of our mortician readers. Your dedication to keeping our dead from turning undead is underappreciated (we don’t actually know what you guys do, but thanks for reading)

All of this leads directly into Terrifier part deus. If you’re looking for an Empire Strikes Back level of sequel, you may be disappointed. If you’re looking for more of Art being Art and murdering people in even more creative ways, this might just be the movie for you.

“Now wait just a hot minute there, Dick, didn’t you say Art shot himself in the head? How is he back for another serving of gore and fear?”

I know what I said, reader. But what is Art? A clown, sure. But is he human? A demon? An alien? No one knows and that leaves everything up for interpretation if you can just suspend your disbelief for just 138 minutes. He does the whole Jason Voorhees thing of being around every corner, and much like Freddy would appear in a flash to a sleep deprived victim. Art is just there sometimes with no discernible means of how he got there or where he went once the camera angle changed.

I won’t spoil any endings, but let’s just say Terrifier II ends with Tara from the first film giving birth to Art’s smiling head. (spoiler alert)

So, would I recommend these movies? As we approach Halloween, you may be looking for a nonsensical horror flick to watch, and I believe Terrifier One and Two will fit that ticket.

7.5/10

*Please be advised, the previous review contains spoilers and affiliate links*