NORAD’s GAYDAR goes wild as Trump lusts over Arnold Palmer’s massive schlong

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. – The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) announced that its highly classified Homosexual Reconnaissance and Observation Radar, more commonly known as the GAYDAR, has seen a massive spike in homosexual thoughts and behaviors ever since former President Donald Trump languished over deceased professional golfer Arnold Palmer’s massive schlong during a campaign stop in Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

The GAYDAR is a secret project created by the Theodore Roosevelt administration shortly after the 1903 Ariston Bathhouse Raid, the first anti-gay police raid in New York City, to monitor the nation’s gayness.

“Normally, we see elevated GAYDAR spikes when a new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Queer Eye, or Jesse Watters: Primetime, premieres,” said Larry Bolton, senior NORAD GAYDAR technician. “But we’ve never seen levels like this before. It was probably the gayest thing this nation has seen since Ruby Rose made every woman question their sexuality when she first appeared on Orange is the New Black.”

Bolton also said it’s not uncommon for spikes in gay behavior after a celebrity fabulously bursts out of the closet but admits that this event is presenting data that’s quite irregular because no direct admission to homosexuality was made.

“People tell dick jokes all the time and it doesn’t even register on the GAYDAR,” said Bolton. “To have such large data spikes can only imply that there’s not only a terribly large amount of suppressed homosexual tendencies within him, but also within everyone who was at the rally and who watched the broadcast at home, who quietly salivated as he spoke about Palmer’s massive member. He may not have said it, but he said it, if you know what I mean.”

Naturally, Twitter was immediately flooded with unfounded claims that NORAD’s GAYDAR is some kind of mind control device created by the Liberal Jewish Deep State to influence the impressionable minds of good, God-fearing Christians.

“I am a straight, white alpha-male,” said Duke Wellington, a self-proclaimed straight, white alpha-male, whose legal name is Chaz. “I love tits and pussy. Period. End of sentence. But every so often, I get these thoughts about what it would be like to suck my buddy Bill’s massive, throbbing cock. And I like it. Obviously the woke, liberal alphabet soup people are targeting straight alpha-males with their gay machines because they can’t stop thinking about how fucking hot Timmy is without a shirt, or how big the bulge is in his boxers.”

And Chaz isn’t alone. In the past 24 hours, millions of Twitter users have come forward to share their own victimization from the DEMONcrat’s latest quest to turn the world queer.

“I’m not a lesbian, I just like to watch lesbian porn and imagine myself in it,” said Meisha Barns, a proud Subaru owner. “I may be madly in love with my best friend but that’s because I’m being targeted by liberal space weapons, not because I’m gay.”

“NORAD’s ILLEGAL gay gun just forced me to get chained up and enjoy a team of sweaty, muscular dudes CBT (cock and ball torture) on my man meat,” said Gabe Teller, licking his lips. “I don’t care if they track Santa, NORAD needs to be defunded before I give in to my urges again and have the best sexual experience of my life.”

In an attempt to ease the public’s shattered opinions of the government organization, NORAD’s public relations team put out a statement—complete with trustworthy and verifiable sources—explaining how the GAYDAR only measures gayness but doesn’t produce it. Unfortunately, no one on Twitter believes facts and the statement only caused people to double down on their misinformation.

“Stop lying and admit you’re responsible for my insatiable desire to ram long, girthy objects up my butt,” said Wellington. “It’s not funny anymore.”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump has denied any allegations of homosexuality, reiterating how much he loves to grab women by the pussy.