Milk Duds ranked number one Halloween candy in America

HERSHEY, Penn. – The annual Alpine 6 Action News Halloween Candy Favorability Study has revealed this year’s king of spooky confectionary treats and the result will surprise you (unless you read the headline).

Milk Duds, the nearly impossible to eat chocolate-covered caramel candy took the top spot in this year’s study, barely beating Twizzlers’ black licorice, and Werther’s Original hard candies.

“Honestly, we’re just as surprised as everyone else,” said Dick Hardy, Alpine 6 Action News’ chief candy correspondent. “Halloween staples like Reece’s Cups, candy corn, and whatever crap comes from that one house that gives kids literally anything besides candy, are usually vying for the top spot. No one expected Milk Duds to even break the top ten. This may be the greatest upset of all time.”

Hardy also said he’s surprised he wasn’t more surprised by the result of the study, pointing to the seemingly never-ending string of unprecedented events around the world as the cause of his numbness to anything out of the ordinary.

“If we’re going to look at this objectively, we first need to understand that Halloween candy is a $3.5 billion industry and it’s quite cutthroat,” said William Sanchez, a candy stockbroker. “Brands like Reece’s, Almond Joy, and M&M’s are frequently tweaking their recipes, molding their candies in themed shapes, or changing its color to try and get an upper hand against the competition. Milk Duds, on the other hand, have stayed true to their roots as an inedible threat against oral health.”

Sanchez also said the Milk Duds upset in this year’s study is expected to create a chaotic trade environment on the candy stock exchange.

“Milk Duds were always a low value candy on the market,” said Sanchez. “Stocks for these candies were usually given away or packaged with other candies in trades just to get rid of them. But with this surprise ranking, we’re expecting an unprecedented level of demand and a supply that just can’t keep up. It won’t surprise me if kids this Halloween offer up their full-sized candy bars for the chance of getting their hands on a small package of Duds.”

To make matters worse, the consequences of this study are already being felt across the market. Families who’ve invested in traditionally popular candies are now scrambling to trade their milk chocolate for these small caramel balls.

“Halloween is a time for tricks, treats, and overly sexualized clown costumes,” said Diana Miller, a stay-at-home mom. “This is supposed to be the easy holiday. I’ve already got my booty short Pennywise costume, we’ve put up spooky decorations, and we bought a variety pack of chocolates. I thought we were good, but that pack doesn’t have Milk Duds. And does the store have any Milk Duds? No. The shelves are emptier than the toilet paper aisle during an inconvenient storm. So much for being the cool house in the neighborhood this year.”

The Hershey Company, producer of Milk Duds, announced that, despite an increase in funding to bring awareness to Milk Duds, they were not expecting this level of demand from consumers.

“We’re extremely proud of how popular these terrible little balls of sugar have become, but our current output of these candies is not enough to match demand,” said Hank Hershey, spokesman for the Hershey family. “We’ve tripled our output, but there’s no way we can produce enough before Halloween.”

With so little time before Halloween, experts are concerned the Hershey Company’s increase in Milk Duds production could lead to a massive oversupply following the holiday because no one eats Milk Duds any other time of year. The company has responded to the concerns by assuring investors that any overstock can be reused next year because literally no one can tell the difference between a fresh Milk Dud and a stale one.