Miami Heat reveal Christopher Judge statue

MIAMI, Fla. – The Miami Heat recently unveiled a stunningly accurate bronze statue of actor Christopher Judge, donning the team’s jersey, outside the Kaseya Center in Miami.

While fans of the Stargate SG-1 television show and God of War video game series were thrilled to see one of their favorite thespians immortalized in bronze, basketball fans were left scratching their head because the statue was supposed to honor longtime Heat guard Dwayne Wade.

“[Wade] was the face of Miami sports for such a long time,” said Devin Guthrie, a sports columnist for the Miami Herald. “I was hyped to see this statue unveiled because no one has earned this honor more than Wade, with the exception of, possibly, Dan Marino and Tua Tagovailoa’s concusses brain. So, it’s really difficult to watch our hometown fumble this as hard at Portugal did with Ronaldo.”

Wade was equally surprised by the statue’s uncanny resemblance to literally anyone other than himself as he took to the lectern during the unveiling ceremony.

“That’s crazy. I can’t believe that. Who’s that guy?” said Wade.

The statue was supposed to be a pilgrimage spot for NBA fans by immortalizing the incredible moment when Wade aggressively informed the opposing team that “this is my house” after he scored the game-winning shot in double overtime during a 2009 game against the Chicago Bulls. However, instead of being a historic symbol for sports fans, the statue has become a catalyst for re-sparking the age-old feud between jocks and nerds.

“The jocks and nerds have been living in relative peace for the past couple of decades,” said Sam Hopper, a former jock known as ‘the wedgie master’ amongst his nerdy counterparts. “I had high hopes we were past all the trivial bickering, but this event just goes to show that peace is a tinderbox waiting to ignite.”

Sports fans are hoping the statue will be taken down and replaced with something that better resembles the 13-time all-star. Nerds, on the other hand, are fighting to keep the statue erect and rebranded as a Teal’c of Chulak memorial in honor of Judge’s character on SG-1.

“Our society deifies sports stars the same way the Vatican canonizes saints,” said Danni Francois, who became a science fiction enthusiast after watching Stargate in theaters. “So, Mr. Wade was able to put a ball in a hoop. Big deal. Teal’c had the courage to abandon his lifelong service to the false god Apophis and defend the universe from the atrocities of the Goa’uld. Who is the real ‘hero’ worthy of immortalization, here?”

Local police have cordoned off the area and are maintaining a presence to ensure the disagreement between the two social groups don’t boil over into violence.

Francis Suarez, the mayor of Miami, said he understands both sides of the argument but hopes the statue can become an inspiration for these two rivals to come together and put their differences aside.

“Look, I graduated in the top 10% of my class at FIU, so I’m a bit of a nerd myself,” said Suarez. “As mayor, I’ve also been to a lot of incredible sporting events around our great city. Well, maybe not with the Marlins, but they can’t all be winners, right? This isn’t Boston. Anyway, I get the struggle. I see both sides. I just hope we can use this mildly deformed version of our city’s hero to bring us together and put all those petty differences and mild instances of bullying behind us. Let’s move forward, together.”

The Dwayne Wade/Christopher Judge statue was made by Omri Amrany and Oscar León, sculptors with Rotblatt Amrany Studio in Chicago—the same studio who made statues of Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan. The artists and studio were not available for comment.