Tony Hinchcliffe in hot water with Residents of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch

PACIFIC OCEAN – Residents of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch aren’t laughing after Tony Hinchcliffe, an American comedian best known for his antics during roasts of actually famous people, made a joke so racist and unfunny that even the entire crowd of MAGA Trump supporters groaned.

The incident occurred when Hinchcliffe made a quip about Puerto Rico being a “floating island of garbage” during his set to open for the former president at a rally at Madison Square Garden in New York City.

“Puerto Rico has its share of problems, just like we all do,” said Phillip Seahorseman, a resident of The Patch. “But to call their home a floating pile of garbage is really an insult to all native Garbage Patchians. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with living on an island of naturally occurring materials such as rock, sand, and silt, but that ain’t garbage. We’re real proud of the garbage we call home.”

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is a collection of floating plastic and other marine debris in the central North Pacific Ocean between 135°W and 155°W and 35°N to 42°N. It’s the world’s largest accumulation of floating ocean plastic that originated from countries in the Pacific Rim.

“Not a lot of people like to think about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch because it’s kind of a persistent reminder of how much we just don’t give a fuck about our planet,” said Stacy Wong, a marine biologist studying the effects of the patch on local marine life. “But there are people living here. They may not have the same lavish lifestyle of soil-dwellers, but that doesn’t mean their norms and customs are any less important than our own.”

Although residents of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch are used to slanderous and demeaning comments about their culture, Hinchcliffe’s comments came at a difficult time as landlubbers attempt to eradicate their home.

“Ever since our little paradise was discovered, your governments have sent their machines of war to ‘clean up’ our land of microplastics and wipe it off the map as though it never existed,” said Seahorseman. “But we’re not going to sit idle as you erase us from the annals of history. We will not be silenced.”

The people of The Patch are in agreement that Hinchcliffe’s disrespect was the final straw in their decision as to whether or not remain detached from world affairs. According to the garbage’s ministry of information, the council of warlords has convened and decided to mobilize its naval force and begin offensive operations against any nation that should impede on its sovereignty.

“We don’t make this decision lightly,” said Grand Admiral Flo Current, supreme leader of the Garbage Patch expeditionary naval forces. “But at the end of the day, we must do what is necessary to protect our people from the genocide the rest of the world wishes upon them.”

The stunning decision made by this tiny nation of petroleum waste has left oceanside nations scrambling to understand this new threat.

“We’ve been so focused on the South China Sea that our intelligence agencies failed to notice the growing threat building in the ocean between us,” said U.S. Adm. Christopher W. Grady, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re working closely with the governments of the other Pacific Rim nations to assess this new threat to world peace.”

Vice President Harris and former President Donald Trump have been briefed on the situation, but neither candidate has made a public statement regarding their stance on taking any action, if necessary, to ease tensions should a resolution not be reached prior to the winner of this year’s presidential election being inaugurated next January.