POLL UPSET: euthanized corpse of Peanut the squirrel outpolling Harris/Trump on election eve

PINE CITY, N.Y. – In a twist becoming of an Agatha Christie novel, a surprising new name has springboarded to the top of all the national presidential polls: Peanut the Squirrel, or, what’s left of the internet’s favorite tree rodent, at least.

This unprecedented rise in popularity has most political pundits scratching their heads, wondering what this will mean on election day tomorrow.

“Do we think the body of a deceased squirrel will win the presidential election? With all the early voting this year, no, probably not,” said Franklin Rowe, a pollster. “But how this will affect the in-person voting is anyone’s guess. There’s surprisingly still a lot of undecided voters out there. This could turn into a real Ross Perot situation.”

We met up with Patrick Shea, a previously undecided voter from Rumford, Maine, who made a post on Facebook announcing that the death of Peanut was the catalyst for his decision on who to vote for.

“Of course I’m writing in Peanut’s name for president, this is basically Harambe 2.0,” said Shea. “Do I think he’s the best candidate? No. I don’t speak dead squirrel, so I have no idea what he was chirping about when he was alive. But here’s the thing, America is more divided right now than ever before and the current top candidates are so damn polarizing. Peanut gives us a chance to rally behind something that isn’t bought and paid for by corporations, super PACs, or autocratic dictators overseas.”

Others, while intrigued by the idea of electing such an unorthodox candidate, are concerned his lack of pulse or brain activity may not be what the country needs in this time of division amongst political ideologies.

“Look, we tried voting for a non-career politician candidate in 2016 and look where it got us,” said Lorena Paese, a political historian. “I don’t think a deceased rodent is going to provide the unity so many Americans are desperate for right now. Then again, until Harris replaced Biden on the ballot, we were looking at four more years of an elderly white dude with declining mental acuity, regardless of who won. So, who knows, maybe a dead squirrel would’ve been a better choice.”

Peanut was rescued by his owner, Mark Longo, seven years ago after content creator saw the baby pup become orphaned when his mother was heinously murdered in a hit and run accident. Longo cared for baby Peanut for about eight months until he was able to take care of itself in the wild.

“I released him in the backyard, and a day and a half later, I found him sitting on my porch, missing half his tail. So here I am, bawling my eyes out, like, I failed you as your human,” Longo told USA TODAY in 2022. “And I kind of opened the door, he ran inside and that was the last of Peanut’s wildlife career.”

Peanut, who has more than half a million followers on Instagram, and a racoon Longo had adopted as a pet were confiscated by the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation last week and euthanized to test for rabies.

After Peanut’s seizure, and before the announcement of his death, a Change.org petition and GoFundMe campaign were created to try and influence New York state to return Peanut to Longo. As of Friday, last week, the petition had 28,025 signatures, and the GoFundMe has raised $7,875.

“It’s this devout following and Peanut’s martyrdom that is catapulting this internet star to the top of the polls,” said Rowe. “Emotions are a real powerful bitch. Especially sadness and anger. Those two things together are a perfect concoction for making change.”

The Trump campaign has been attempting to use Peanut’s death to try and sway independent and moderate democrat voters by blaming the blue state’s government for “the most terrible thing anyone has done to a pet since the illegal Haitians in Springfield, Ohio started eating the cats and dogs.”

The tactic has had mixed results with some voters doubling down on their commitment to vote for Peanut over any human candidate on the ballot and some taking a closer look at Harris who isn’t trying to politicize this poor animal’s death and would rather spend the waning hours of the campaign talking about issues that actually matter to the people.

The Harris campaign was not available for comment.

With so many people talking about how important the results of this election will be, it will be interesting to see how Peanut’s new-found rise to political prowess will affect tomorrow’s turnout at the polls.