Nervous voter votes “C” down the ballot

COTTONWOOD, Ala. – With all the rhetoric circulating online and in the media about how important this year’s election is, one voter nervously guessed “c” to every question on the ballot.

Kendra Fontaine, 39, went into her local polling station confident in her choice for president, but began to waver when she saw how many candidates there were to choose from.

“When it was just Harris and Trump, the answer was obvious,” said Fontaine. “But then I saw names like Chase Oliver, Jill Stein, and Robert Kennedy Jr.—I thought he dropped out of the race! I started thinking, are these people better than Trump and Harris? I’d never heard of them before. I started questioning everything I thought I knew.”

Fontaine also said she subconsciously reverted to her old high school test taking technique of answering “c”, or the middle answer on a multiple-choice quiz, because she had a history of getting nervous on tests and voting down the middle had worked well for her back then.

“Voting C got me through high school, honestly,” said Fontaine. “It even got me a 400 on the SATs which is, like, four-times the maximum score of a normal quiz.”

News of Fontaine’s unorthodox voting technique has many state officials and poll workers scratching their heads as many of the state positions on the ballot, such as circuit judges, only have one candidate running.

“I’m not sure how you’d vote ‘c’ on a question with only one answer,” said Wilson Wilson, a poll worker at the Calvary Baptist Church. “Then again, no, you know what? I can’t think of a single possible explanation for this.”

To make matters worse, people from both sides of the aisle have begun targeting Fontaine online with harassing messages about how her vote was wasted because she didn’t vote for their candidate of choice—on the Houston County ballot, Robert Kennedy Jr. is the “c” answer.

“She really wasted her vote because a vote for a third-party candidate is basically a vote for Trump,” said Katherine Goulet, a democrat.

“She really wasted her vote because a vote for a third-party candidate is basically a vote for Kamala,” said Chad Limburg, a republican.

Of course, we won’t know if Fontaine’s vote will sway the results of the election one way or the other until the polls close and all the ballots are counted. Regardless, we suspect the news of her flub will fuel the inevitable lawsuits and conspiracy theories that will emerge over the next several weeks.