RFK Jr. looks forward to cutting average life expectancy by half

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – Shortly after Donald Trump was declared the winner of the 2024 presidential race, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the former independent nominee and current frontrunner to manage Trump’s Department of Health and Human Services, announced his plans to do literally everything in his power to make this the unhealthiest country in the world.

Trump has said that RFK would have a “big role in healthcare” and that he and his administration would allow him to “go wild” and “do pretty much whatever he wants.”

In his statement, Kennedy pledged to remove flouride—an inorganic, monoatomic anion of fluorine that’s been scientifically proven to prevent tooth decay—from drinking water, eliminate most of the Food amd Drug administration—the agency dedicated to making sure the foods and drugs manufactured and sold in America is safe—and eliminating all vaccines because they cause autism (they don’t).

Critics of Kennedy’s proposal say it will reduce the average lifespan in America by about half, meaning the avaerage American will likely die from a preventable illness by the age 39. Kennedy, however, says that’s all part of the plan.

“I learned a lot about human health when a brain ate half my brian [sic],” said Kennedy. “But the biggest thing I think I learned is that life sucks when you get older. Your joints ache, you’re always tired, and little parasites literally eat away your short-term memory.”

In yet another weird, dumbfounded move, Kennedy said his aim to eliminate all things healthy in his attempt to “make America healthy again”, is a part of the administration’s plan to be “the most pro-life administration since Jesus founded America 2,000 years ago.”

“This administration is going to be so pro-life that it’ll be illegal for a fetus to die before it’s born,” said Kennedy. “As a matter of fact, there’s going to be so many baby’s born that we’re going to need people to live shorter lives so we don’t run out of resources for super race of babies.”

When questioned about his plans for helping mothers who may be having complications during pregnancy or preventing illness amongst infants after their born, Kennedy said he believes everything will be resolved through a positive attitude, getting lots of vitamin D from the sun, and survival of the fittest.