Trump nominates Christian white nationalist to lead secretive Jewish space weapons project

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – In yet another controversial cabinet pick, President-Elect Donald Trump has nominated a far-right leaning Christian white nationalist as the new head of the United States’ highly secretive Jewish space weapons project.

Hector Plimpkin, 66, is the founder and host of the Jesus wasn’t a Jew podcast, an extreme, far-right talk show that promotes claims of Holocaust denial, hosts a Hitler-themed book club, and claims the resurrected body of Jesus Christ is being held captive by the Jewish deep state in a CIA black site at Area 51.

“I want to say I’m shocked and surprised by this cabinet pick,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY). “But the truth is I’m not surprised. Or shocked. I’m actually feeling rather numb right now. Could be the wine talking, who knows.”

If Plimpkin’s nomination gets pushed through Congress, or Trump succeeds in getting the recess appointments he’s been asking for, this would mark the first time the JSWP wasn’t lead by someone in the Jewish faith.

“The secret Jewish space weapons project is not only a one of the our religion’s greatest accomplishments, it was also a symbol of how our nation thrives when we’re not burdened by a government run on religious idiology,” said Asher Goldberg, president of the Jewish aerospace engineer organization. “The Jews designed it, yes, but our incredible team includes engineers and scientists of Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Shinto, and Scientology backgrounds.”

Goldberg also said he fears Plimpkin will attempt to use the space weapons for unjust and morally ambiguious purposes. Plimpkin’s supporters on the other hand, say the secret government project is due for an overhaul of leadership after has betraying American’s trust by allegedly targeting citizens by manipulating hurricanes, starting wildfires, and transferring the contents of bank accounts belonging to straight, God-fearing men to transexual pornography websites.

“Look, we may have been wrong about Trump and his tariffs, and his deportation policy, and his ignorance about Project 2025, but I think we can all agree he’s right about taking the secret space weapons away from those greedy Jews,” said Conrad Ortiz, an undocumented contruction worker currently being deported to his home country that he fled because he feared for his life. “I hope Mr. Plimpkin uses these weapons for good, like freeing Jesus from his carbonite prison in Area 51.”

So far, the Pentagon has not officially commented on Trump’s decision, but a source close to the Secretary of Defense has told us, on the condition of anonymity, that the Jewish space weapons program doesn’t actually exist and that they’re concerned about the president-elect’s declining mental acuity.

“We all know he talks out of his ass, but this has made me even more concerned about that old bastard’s ability to decipher fiction from fact,” said the source. “And we gave this dude the keys to the nuclear football. We’re so fucked.”

The silver lining to this whole situation for democrats and supporters of democracy is that (if this position is really real) it’s unlikely Plimpkin will garner the congressional votes he needs for his nomination to be accepted. This is due in part to his relative lack of credentials and name recognition.

“Never say never,” said Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. “I don’t think it’s likely his nomination will pass the congressional sniff test but I’ve seen this party do some really dumb shit in the name of bending the knee to the president-elect. Fuck if I know, I just work here.”

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