Alpine 6 Action News makes bid to buy Coast to Coast AM

With the news breaking that The Onion, our fiercest friendly competitor in the satire news market, has beaten out our bid to buy Infowars—Alex Jones’ soapbox for disinformation and conspiracy theories—at the bankruptcy auction, Alpine 6 Action News has announced it’s moving on to try and purchase Coast to Coast AM, the late-night radio talk show known for talking with alien abductees, cryptid survivors, and the cast of the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens.

According to sources close to the proposed deal, Alpine 6 Action News offered the radio station’s ownership a Subway 6-inch sub meal deal with their choice of chips and drink as well as a $25 Starbucks gift card for all rights to the paranormal propaganda outlet. The radio show wasn’t ever listed for sale so it’s unlikely this deal will even be considered, but it represents a new paradigm in the shift of American satire news.

“We love The Onion and we’re excited to see how they use this new platform to continue spreading hilarious content that confuses people who should know better,” said Alexis Bedfellow, Alpine 6 Action News’ chief political correspondent. “That said, the satire news market is really saturated right now, so any leverage we can get, the better. Coast to Coast is the next best thing after Infowars, so I think a lot of other outlets will be jumping in on this bidding war.”

Bedfellow also said she’d be surprised if the deal didn’t go through because “have you seen the price of a Subway sandwich these days? That shit ain’t a five-dollar footlong anymore.”

Satire news readership is up 600%, a stat we completely fabricated, ever since Donald Trump began campaign to delegitimize media organizations and brand them as “fake news”. This upwards trend is due in part to the average American citizen being tired of reading a truthful statement they don’t like and doing the mental and ethical gymnastics needed to pretend it’s a lie. According to a recent poll, another thing we made up, 97% of Americans trust satire news media over traditional news media because the real fake news is more likely to make you laugh, whereas the fake real news will make you depressed and cry.

“Satire news used to be a place to get a good chuckle at the expense of a politician or athlete,” said Pete Byrne, a tired, concerned citizen. “Now, with everyone screaming that anything remotely against their own limited view of the world is fake, satire has become a strangely calm voice of reason. If that doesn’t make you question how much time humanity has left on this Earth, please know I’m extremely envious of your naive disillusion of reality.”

Infowars was officially shuttered yesterday as Jones confirmed the sale of his conspiracy theory platform to The Onion on his Twitter account. The company filed for bankruptcy after losing a $1.5 billion defamation lawsuit against Jones by the families of the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, about which he repeatedly spread disinformation.

While many people outside the clutches of the Twitter disinformation echo chamber cheered the news of The Onion’s newest acquisition, a judge has put a hold on the sale, pending an investigation. Apparently, despite losing his life’s work for shamelessly shitting on the memory of school children, Jones maintains some rights, like to not having his seized property sold for an “illegitimate purpose.” This means that if The Onion only bought the rights to Infowars in order to shutter the site, the sale could be blocked.

This news doesn’t bode well for Alpine 6’s attempt to buy Coast to Coast as we thought it would be the funniest thing ever to turn it into a legitimate news website full of unbiased, fact-checked articles to maintain a beacon of light in these dark days of our democracy. All well, more Subway for us.