RFK Jr. gifts President-Elect Trump a severed whale head

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — In an unprecedented display of gratitude and marine biology, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. made waves today after gifting Donald Trump a severed whale head during a dramatic ceremony outside the president-elect’s Mar-a-Lago resort.

The offering, Kennedy said, symbolizes his deep reverence for Trump’s “supreme wisdom” in nominating him as the head of Health and Human Services, despite widespread confusion over whether this is even a real thing that’s happening.

“This is no ordinary whale,” Kennedy announced to a perplexed gathering of reporters, MAGA devotees, and PETA protestors. “It’s a sperm, chosen for its profound majesty and resilience, much like our 45th president. I had to fight off three Greenpeace vessels to secure this head. That’s how much this nomination means to me.”

The whale head—dubbed “Moby MAGA” by Trump—was ceremoniously displayed atop a gold-plated pedestal. As onlookers gagged from the smell, Kennedy offered an impassioned speech about the synergy between holistic medicine, marine conservation, and Trump’s dietary preferences.

“Donald understands the body,” Kennedy proclaimed, gesturing to Trump, who was busy inspecting the head for any signs of hidden Big Pharma tracking devices. “He’s a man who knows the power of raw whale blubber in detoxifying the soul and strengthening immunity against Wi-Fi radiation. That’s why he’s chosen me to help restore the health of America—one whale at a time.”

Trump, looking both confused and intrigued, responded in typical fashion. “Beautiful, just beautiful. Best whale head I’ve ever seen. Some people are saying it’s the best gift ever given to a president—not fake news, by the way.” Pausing for effect, he added, “And you know, they’re very smart animals, whales. Very smart. Almost as smart as me, believe it or not. Sad they’re extinct or whatever, but this one? This one’s perfect.”

The announcement of Kennedy’s “generous gift” immediately sparked outrage from environmental groups and health professionals alike. Critics slammed Kennedy for his “unhinged theatrics” and “poor understanding of anatomy, politics, and basic decency,” while others questioned why Trump would nominate someone with a reputation for promoting vaccine misinformation and dubious health remedies.

But Kennedy brushed off the naysayers. “The whale symbolizes rebirth and the triumph of truth over tyranny,” he explained, dodging questions about how severing a whale’s head aligns with those principles. “Donald Trump has always been about disrupting the status quo. Together, we’ll redefine health care as something organic, patriotic, and completely unregulated.”

Inside the gilded walls of Mar-a-Lago, rumors swirled that Trump plans to turn the whale head into an exotic centerpiece for his next state dinner. “I might have it bronzed,” Trump said, smiling proudly. “Or maybe stuffed. It’s a classy gift, and you know I only do classy.”

Meanwhile, the Biden administration, upon hearing the news, reportedly issued a single-word statement: “What?”

As the whale head saga continues to dominate headlines, Kennedy and Trump are scheduled to appear together next week to announce a new joint initiative—tentatively titled “Operation Free Willy from the Deep State.”

Stay tuned for updates, assuming the smell hasn’t driven everyone out of the press room by then.