Lesbianism up 600% since November 5th

According to a recent study conducted by a group of grandmothers on Facebook, the amount of lesbian and “otherwise gay” behavior amongst their granddaughters is up nearly 600% since November 5, 2024.

The senior citizens couldn’t come to a consensus on the reason behind the spike in “coochie loving sin”, but accusations included diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives, “that dagnab MTV”, and Sabrina Carpenter’s Taste music video, which they only discovered after accidently clicking on Facebook Reels and not knowing how to get out of it.

“My sweet little Naomi used to be such a little angel,” said Barbara Cunningham, 84. “In the past few weeks, however, she’s shaved the side of her head, died her hair purple, and got tattoos. Tattoos!”

Naomi Cunningham has known she was gay ever since the seventh grade when she kissed Ginny Thomas during a game of spin the bottle at a mutual friend’s birthday party but used this surge in lesbianism to come to terms with her sexuality and come out of the closet.

Experts outside of the inner sanctum of internet grandmothers believe transformations like Naomi’s are becoming more commonplace in recent weeks thanks to Donald Trump’s reelection and his outspoken alignment with Project 2025, a right-wing manifesto that looks to dramatically reduce a woman’s bodily autonomy, in conjunction with a social movement that started in South Korea called 4B.

“I think women are tired of the patriarchy,” said Lauren Gilbertson, a feminist historian. “Women have shed blood, sweat, and tears fighting for the rights they have today and they’re not going to give them up so easily.”

4B, or Four Nos, started in South Korea in the 2010s after a man was exonerated from hate crime charges after murdering a woman who ignored him. The four Bs are bisekseu, bichulsan, biyeonae, and bihon, which translates to no sex with men, no giving birth, no dating men, and no marriage to men.

At first, most men didn’t even notice the ladies’ defiance because it conveniently coincided with No Nut November, an annual challenge where men try and not ejaculate for the entire month of November. Those who were paying attention assumed the women would get bored of the movement around the same time as most guys give up on NNN. Those men, however, underestimated the scorn of a wrathful woman.

“Honestly, the idea of withholding sex sounded horrible because we get horny just as much as the guys do,” said Mia Gumble, 22. “But one night I was at my friend Becca’s apartment drinking wine and she said, ‘we’re just not fucking guys. There’s nothing that says we can’t fuck chicks.’ And my drunk ass was like, say less, and my god, she could eat pussy better than any guy I’ve ever been with.”

All across the nation, women have been coming to the same conclusion, turning in the two-hump chumps they typically meet at the bar for the prolonged orgasmic bliss of a woman highly trained in tongue warfare and G-spot cartography.

“I think we’re all a little gay on the inside,” said Cara Smith, 39. “This 4B movement has just made me realize I’m a lot gayer than I previously thought.”

With No Nut November drawing to a close, many of the butthurt alpha males who can’t understand why any woman would rather be with another chick than their testosterone dipping, insecure self, have opted to have a little boycott of their own.

“If those broads ain’t gonna slob on my knob or let me pound her six ways to Sunday, then guess what, we’ll just give you a taste of your own medicine,” said Chad Erikson before shoving his buddy’s cock to the back of his throat. “We’ll just fuck each other, too. In the most non-homo, alpha male way possible. Those hoes will see what they’re missing and come crawling back with their legs wide open.”

At the time of writing this article, no woman has shown any interest in crawling her way to Mr. Erikson, but his mother, with whom he still lives, wanted to reassure all the eligible bachelorettes out there that he’s actually a sweetheart if you ignore what his Tinder profile says and get to know him for who he is.

Elon Musk, the destroyer of Twitter, has frequently warned about the world’s shrinking population and what less people might mean for his shareholders and overall value of his businesses. With the rise of female same-sex relationships, the richest man in the world has come forward to offer his seed to any woman willing to put up with three minutes of awkward silence and sticky Martian cosplay.

“Humanity is doomed if we don’t maintain our population,” said Musk. “I am willing to do my part to save humanity and my stock prices.”

Of course, the future is uncertain. While it looks like Trump is courting many architects of Project 2025 in his cabinet, which will most likely result in the degradation of a woman’s status in contemporary society, there’s always the possibility enough members of Congress will have the balls to finally realize the needs of the nation and the world outweigh the needs of a narcissistic old billionaire.