Speaker Johnson says no House members allowed to use the bathroom, “are you happy now?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has announced that no sitting member of the House of Representatives will be allowed to use the bathrooms inside Capitol Hill from this point forward.

The decision came after Rep. Nancy Mace (R-S.C.) introduced a resolution Monday to prohibit members of the House, as well as officers and employees of the House of Representatives, from using bathrooms in the Capitol that are labeled for use by people with different pee pee parts, causing another rift between the left and the right as they prepare for the transition of executive power between President Biden and President-Elect Trump.

“Listen, I hate transgender people as much as the next Republican, but we’re getting ready to try and convince our colleagues to accept nominations for some the most unqualified cabinet members in American history,” said Johnson. “I need people to focus on what’s really important—swallowing our morales and bending the knee to Donald John of house Trump, first of his name, rightful heir to the White House, rightful King, err President, to the American men, protector of biological women, and father of MAGA. So, I don’t want to hear any more talk about who’s pooping where. From now on, no one poops on Capitol grounds until we put this clown car in place. No one. Are you happy now?”

Despite Johnson’s decision to blockade all potty privileges for the foreseeable future, many Republican members of the House of Representatives insist Mace’s resolution is paramount to the safety of our nation’s democracy while Democrats view the resolution as nothing more than hateful rhetoric against Representative-elect Sarah McBride (D-Del.), the first openly transgender official elected to the House of Representatives.

“I’ve seen and dealt with a lot of cock in the women’s bathroom,” said Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Co.). “But none of those dicks—well, most of those dicks—were peeing. Allowing these biological men into the women’s bathroom is an attack on every woman’s rights because these sickos are just trying to get a quicky from a young, hot, momma from Colorado. I don’t feel safe around all that penis, and neither should your daughters. Who knows what I might do with those hard, throbbing members? I might like it, too. We have to stop it.”

“I just want to be able to take a piss where I feel comfortable,” said McBride.

While the use of government time and resources to debate over whether one member of the House of Representatives can use the toilet of her choice may seem like a massive waste of taxpayer money, the issue of sexual assault in America is something that needs to be addressed.

According to Mace, her reason for introducing this resolution is because she is a victim of sexual crime.

“I’m not going to stand for a man, you know, someone with a penis in the woman’s locker room, that’s not OK,” said Mace. “I’m a victim of abuse myself. I’m a rape survivor. I have PTSD from the abuse I suffered at the hands of a man. And I know how vulnerable women and girls are in private spaces. So, I’m absolutely, 100% going to stand in the way of any man who wants to be in a woman’s restroom, in our locker rooms, in our changing rooms. I will be there fighting you every step of the way.” 

According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), an American is sexually assaulted every 68 seconds. On average, that means more than 463,000 people aged 12 or older become victims of sexual assault in the U.S. every year. Out of that total, nearly one-in-six women are expected to be a victim of attempted or completed rape in their lifetimes.

With that knowledge, it’s easy to understand why many lawmakers are looking to protect women from potential assaulters in areas where they’re most vulnerable, such as the bathroom or locker room. However, only 1.6% of Americans identify as transgender or nonbinary and that community is statistically more likely to be the receivers of sexual assault than be the perpetrators. According to studies, approximately 21% of the college-aged LGBTQIA+ community has reported being assaulted sexually, compared to 14% of college-aged women.

Back to the issue at home, of course it’s possible to be sexually assaulted by a transgender person in the bathroom, however, the sheer probability of it happening is so incredibly low compared to the odds of being assaulted by a straight person in the bathroom, or a dark alley, or at a party, or, well, anywhere else.

In a completely unrelated note, a record number of young staffers on Capitol Hill were elated that Rep. Matt Gaetz resigned from Congress and hope he doesn’t get confirmed as Trump’s attorney general.

Republicans won’t admit Mace’s resolution is attempt to bar McBride specifically from using the bathroom of her choice, there’s no hiding this is just the latest attempt by the GOP to dismantle the LGBTQIA+ community’s push for equal rights. 2024 has seen 661anti-trans bills, a record number, brought to a vote in Congress, attacking access to gender-affirming healthcare, trans people’s participation in sports, and more.

The Republicans are so much against transgender people that ABC News has reported Donald Trump’s campaign has spent more than $21 million on anti-trans and anti-LGBTQIA+ ads and the GOP has spent more than $65 million on these same kind of ads across more than a dozen states since August. And while they champion this hate-fueled cause in the name of protecting women’s rights, right-wing men have been lauding Trump’s victory with hateful rhetoric toward women such as “your body, my choice”, in reference to Project 2025, and the president-elect’s proposed path forward to removing women’s bodily autonomy.

It’s uncertain exactly what Trump will do in his second term as president, mostly because he’s so unpredictable that we’re most likely sitting on a powder keg of economic and military turmoil. But hey, at least Congress will now be forced to literally shit on America since they’re no longer allowed to use the bathrooms.