Local man suffering from a severe case of the Mondays

DALLAS, Texas – Healthcare officials said a local man has been diagnosed with a serious case of the Mondays, a typically non-life threatening inconvenience brought on by the start of another week of grinding forty-plus hours of a soul-crushing career.

Cameron Barton, 34, checked in to his local urgent care after waking up with an overwhelming sense of melancholy and the physical inability to get out from under the warm embrace of his comforter.

“I was really concerned that this was it, my life was over,” said Barton. “I wasn’t even sure if I could muster the strength to pull myself out of bed. How on Earth was I supposed to also put on clothes, drive to work, and convince myself that I was happy?”

According to Dr. Rashad Pujari, the symptoms Barton was experiencing can feel traumatic and disheartening but said they’re not uncommon amongst Americans—particularly amongst those who weren’t born into prosperity and need to work a rigorous job in order to barely survive.

“These symptoms can be experienced at any time, but we find they’re most commonly displayed in early Monday mornings,” said Pujari. “This is where we get the clinical term Mondays from. Because it happens most on Mondays.”

Pujari also said there isn’t much scientific evidence to suggest the root cause of Mondays, but given the correlation between patients and their socio-economic status, many scientists believe Mondays is caused from overwork, lack of free time, and the existential dread associated with being a meat cog in the corporate machine of capitalism.

“When we look at the demographics of those who suffer from Mondays, the only consistent metric is economic status,” said Pujari. “It seems that if you have more money and less reliance on a steady income, the less likely you are to suffer from Mondays. Likewise, if you’re livelihood is dependent on steady work hours and the occasional side-gig, you’re more than 85% more likely to suffer from Mondays.”

Pujari is a founding member of a group of doctors and researchers dedicated to understanding Mondays and how to help those who suffer from it. According to a research paper they recently published, the recommended course of action to prevent early onset Mondays is to be born, or marry, into wealth, hit the lottery, or make just become a billionaire so you can rest easy knowing thousands of employees suffering from Mondays are making enough money for you to live without the worry of suffering from Mondays.

“Raising wages and lowering the cost of living would also really help,” said Pujari. “But according to our calculations, you have a greater chance of winning the lottery or inheriting an ungodly amount of money from a long-lost relative who happens to be a Nigerian prince, than our government pulling their heads out of their asses to help the American people rather than the mega corporations and lobbyists who’re determined to keep the working class working.”

According to the research Pujari and his team have been conducting, one of the easiest ways to help someone who may be suffering from a case of the Mondays is to simply not asking if they’re suffering from a case of the Mondays, as it can escalate the person’s sense of sorrow into a full-fledged case of homicidal rage.

In 2012, a man suffering from Mondays snapped and murdered 35 of his coworkers with a number two pencil and a half-eaten pastrami sandwich left in the breakroom after several people jokingly asked if he was suffering from a case of the Mondays. To date, this is the deadliest case of the Mondays on record, but experts warn that if something isn’t done quickly, more violent outbursts can be expected in the future.

“Mondays may seem like something funny to joke about, but there’s nothing funny about Mondays,” said Rebecca Knight, a social worker who specializes in clients with a criminal record associated with a Mondays diagnosis. “The fact of the matter is, more people suffer from Mondays today than they did twenty years ago. If something is done soon, I fear we may see ourselves with an abnormally large number of children who’re without a mother, a father, or both, because of Mondays. We really are on the verge of an epidemic.”

If you believe you’re suffering from a case of the Mondays, please seek proper medical attention as quickly as possible or go to indeed.com and search for a new career that sparks a sense of joy rather than despair.