Trump Names Chinese Takeout as Acting Attorney General After Matt Gaetz’s Departure

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fl. – In a move befitting the unconventional tone of recent political developments, the Trump Cabinet convened an emergency meeting at a local Dave & Buster’s to deliberate on filling the void left by Former Rep. Matt Gaetz’s (R-Fla) abrupt resignation as Trump’s choice for Attorney General (AG).

Gaetz announced Thursday that he would withdraw his name from consideration to be President-elect Donald Trump’s attorney general. Gaetz’s path was mired by a series of allegations of sexual misconduct, including sex with a minor at a 2017 party.

Gathered around a sticky table under the neon glow of arcade games, the team deliberated for hours over plates of buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks. With the stakes high and options limited, the conversation seemed deadlocked—until an unexpected turn of events provided what many are calling a “miraculous” solution.

The tense atmosphere was interrupted by a single knock on the establishment’s party room glass doors. Startled yet curious, the group dispatched an aide to investigate. Moments later, a steaming box of Chinese takeout was brought into the room, its mysterious arrival sparking immediate intrigue.

The box, labeled only with the cryptic phrase “General Tso’s Justice,” contained an assortment of fried rice, egg rolls, and what the Cabinet described as “the best orange chicken this side of Mar-a-Lago.” The contents were reviewed with what insiders’ report as “great enthusiasm and bipartisan appetite.”

In a rare show of unity, the Cabinet unanimously voted to appoint the takeout box as the new AG. “It’s got the two things this administration values most,” said one source close to the discussion. “Strength and flavor.”

President-elect Donald Trump, participating via video call from his golf course, reportedly described the decision as “the greatest appointment in the history of appointments” and added, “nobody picks AGs better than me. And this one? This one delivers!”

Supporters hailed the decision as a stroke of genius. Rudy Giuliani praised the takeout’s “impeccable seasoning,” and Marjorie Taylor Greene noted its “ability to stick to the administration’s values, just like soy sauce sticks to rice.”

Critics, however, were less than impressed. Legal analysts questioned the constitutional legitimacy of a box of Chinese food holding public office, while environmental groups raised concerns about the takeout container’s plastic waste, and foreign affairs professionals were dubious about the cuisine’s loyalty to the United States.

As the new AG, the box of succulent Chinese takeout will face immediate challenges, including handling multiple investigations into the administration’s activities and navigating a contentious election season. Early reports suggest its first action will be issuing a mandate for complimentary fortune cookies at all federal meetings.

In the meantime, the Trump Cabinet remains optimistic. “This administration has always been about thinking outside the box,” said Robert F. Kennedy Jr., “and sometimes, the best answers are inside a box, instead.”

After the announcement, bystanders at the Dave and Busters were shocked and amazed.

“Fuck’n box o’ Chinese!” Shouted Deane Hardbarn, in between handfuls of loaded barbacoa fries while simultaneously playing Halo, the meat sweats pouring down his rotund face. “I fuck’n would vote any day for a got’danged box o’ Chinese for AG.”

While the decision to select the United States’ AG isn’t a position the regular citizen would vote on, whether the Trump team’s unanimous agreement on putting a cardboard box of food delivered to an establishment that already serves food may mark a turning point in the next four years of U.S. history.