Pardoned Turkeys arrested on hate crime charges

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Just one day after receiving a presidential pardon on the White House South lawn from President Joe Biden, the turkeys Peach and Blossom have been arrested in connection to a string of unsolved hate crimes near Northfield, Minnesota, stretching back nearly a decade.

Authorities have not released any specific information about the crimes Peach and Blossom were charged with at the time of their arrest, but said this was part of an overall larger inter-agency operation involving the FBI, ICE, and local and state authorities.

“We cannot comment on the specifics at this time because these fowl were arrested as part of an ongoing investigation,” said Special Agent Maxine Moore, FBI spokesman. “What I will say is that we’re grateful to our partners at ICE, the Minnesota State Police, and the Northfield Police Department. Through this partnership, we’re working diligently to bring justice to the victims and their families.”

Moore also said her taskforce was made aware if Peach and Blossom’s whereabouts after an attentive viewer saw the birds on the news at the White House.

“I was watching the news and saw these familiar looking birds gobble their way across the screen,” said Bryan Collier. “I thought to myself, why do these gosh darn birds look so familiar? Then I remembered a lovely segment Ms. Alex Jokich did a few weeks ago about these turkeys who did some real bad stuff and, what to my wandering eyes should appear but those foul fowl at the White House off all places.”

According to the White House staff, Peach and Blossom both passed their mandatory background check prior to receiving their ceremonious pardon.

“If these birds have a malicious history, it wasn’t documented in any official police record,” said Karine Jean-Pierre, the White House press secretary. “That said, President Biden does not tolerate this kind of behavior, regardless of whether it’s from a human or a bird.”

A spokesman for the law group taking up Peach and Blossom’s case said they’re arguing that a presidential pardon is widespread and blanket, meaning their client should never have been detained for crimes they’ve been alleged to have committed prior to the pardon.

According to the White House, however, the traditional turkey pardoning prior to Thanksgiving is purely ceremonial and doesn’t bear any legal weight.

Law experts are torn over this issue as there’s no legal precedent to guide the judge on a ruling in this case. Seeing as this has never happened before, it’s believed that this case could take months, if not years, to resolve. If found guilty, Peach and Blossom could face sentencing anywhere from community service to death by Thanksgiving dinner.