Donald Trump announces plan to just tariff everything

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – President-elect Donald Trump recently announced a controversial new plan to just tariff everything because, “why not?”

The decision came after politicians from Mexico and Canada voiced their concerns for both their nations and the United States if these tariffs are put into effect.

“The United States, Canada, and Mexico have a long history of prosperous mutual trade,” said Mary Ng, Canada’s minister of export promotion, international trade, and economic development. “These tariffs will not only put undue burden on the American taxpayer, but will harm industries in all three nations, putting the future of our trade agreements in jeopardy.”

Trump stated that he wants to impose a 25% tariff on Canada and Mexico on his first day back in the Oval Office. This is in addition to his proposed 200% tariff he wants to slap on all goods manufactured in China.

“I love tariffs,” said Trump in a Truth Social post. “There’s not a more beautiful word in our great American language than tariff. My tariffs, which will be the greatest tariffs the world has ever seen, you’ll see, will make America Great Again. So, great in fact, I just want to tariff everything. Can I do that? Of course I can, I’m the president. So, why not?”

While the MAGA cult have done nothing short of falling to their knees to suck Trump’s wrinkly old dick for imposing these tariffs which he claims will drop prices and make everything more affordable, economists are warning these widespread blanket tariffs will have the opposite effect.

“Despite what Mr. Trump has proclaimed, tariffs are not paid for by the country having the tariffs imposed upon them,” said Franklin Dupont, an economist at the World Bank. “The importing company pays the tariff and that additional cost is typically passed on the consumer. So, what all these tariffs are actually doing is raising the cost of everyday items.”

After seeing how many people started Googling what a tariff was after the election—something they arguably should’ve done prior to the election, Trump’s diehard supporters have come out in force to defend the president-elect’s tariff decision while simultaneously attempting to retcon their own understanding of what a tariff is.

“We know a tariff is a tax that we’ll have to pay,” said Aaron Justice, a MAGA keyboard warrior. “Of course, we’ve always known that, but Trump’s tariff plan is great for America because it will bring manufacturing jobs back to the United States and encourage consumers to buy American made products—which are more expensive, regardless.”

While many business professionals believe Trump’s tariff plan could bring some manufacturing jobs back to America, it’s not going to be an overnight fix because the infrastructure for these industries no longer exists here. Instead, they believe these companies will relocate their businesses to other overseas countries where the labor is still cheap and there are no tariffs.

“Yeah, well, Trump is just using these tariffs as a negotiating tactic to get what he wants from these countries,” said Justice, once again moving the goal posts.

And while Trump did have some success using tariffs as a negotiation tool with China during his first term in office, his goal of renegotiating a trade agreement fell apart thanks to the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic. This time around, however, Canada and Mexico don’t appear to be willing to cooperate with this strong-arm methodology.

“Yeah, well, Joe Biden kept some of Trump’s tariffs from his first term and even expanded upon them, so obviously they’re not that bad,” said Justice.

This is true, but those tariffs were on very specific items and were designed to help protect current U.S. manufacturing. These proposed blanket tariffs will only put more financial strain on the American consumer by increasing the prices of everyday goods.”

“Shut up,” said Justice.

Donald Trump has said his tariff on Mexico is meant to punish the country for allegedly sending all their criminals and drugs, particularly opioids, across the border. Mexico’s president has responded to these allegations, but not in the knee-bendy subservient way we think Trump wad expecting.

“Seventy percent of the illegal weapons seized from criminals in Mexico come from your country,” said Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum. “We do not produce these weapons, nor do we consume synthetic drugs. Tragically, it is in our country that lives are lost to the violence resulting from meeting the drug demand in yours.”

Sheinbaum continued by saying that if Trump wants a trade war, he’ll get one, but the only real victims of this conflict will be the consumer. And given the fact we’re still waiting on Trump to deliver on his promise of Mexico paying for our border wall, we don’t have high hopes of him delivering on his promise to lower costs by raising prices on imported goods from Mexico.