U.S. Soothsayers sound alarm over Blood God’s vengeance amid unusually peaceful Black Friday

Boston, MA – In an unprecedented turn of events, this year’s Black Friday sales concluded with a conspicuous absence of violence, trampling, or altercations over discounted air fryers.

While most Americans celebrated the peaceful shopping season, the United States Council of Soothsayers issued a dire warning: the Blood God, long appeased by the chaos of consumerism, may soon rise in anger due to the lack of traditional sacrificial offerings.

“This is not just about people being polite in line for TVs,” said High Soothsayer Sybil Desmodius at a hastily called press conference. “For centuries, the Blood God has been pacified by the seasonal carnage of Black Friday. The spilled coffee, shattered ankles, and shattered plasma screens were all part of an ancient covenant. Without them, the balance of power teeters dangerously.”

The Blood God, often depicted in lore as a wrathful deity who thrives on frenzied energy and ritualistic sacrifice, has allegedly been appeased annually since the inception of the modern holiday shopping season. According to the Council, the tradition predates retail itself, rooted in early pagan rites involving offerings to gods of chaos and commerce.

“We didn’t just make this up in the 1980s,” explained Dr. Tad Crater, a mytho-economist from the University of Eldritch Studies. “It’s been theorized that the advent of midnight sales and doorbuster deals is directly tied to the subconscious human need to stave off apocalyptic forces. A smashed cart here, a thrown elbow there—these rituals have meaning.”

The lack of bloodshed during Black Friday 2024 has been attributed to several factors, including the rise of online shopping, improved crowd control measures, and an increased societal emphasis on mindfulness and gratitude. Major retailers such as Best Buy and Walmart reported record low in-store conflicts, with only two minor shoving incidents nationwide.

“It’s what we’ve been working toward for years,” said Macy’s spokesperson Carol Drummond. “No one wants to see their customers engaging in hand-to-hand combat over cashmere scarves. We’re proud to promote a safer shopping experience.”

But not everyone is celebrating. The Council of Soothsayers has issued a set of emergency recommendations to mitigate the Blood God’s wrath. These include symbolic offerings of damaged electronics, hastily consumed leftover turkey sandwiches, and at least one dramatic public argument in a parking lot.

The Soothsayers’ warning has already gone viral, with hashtags like #BloodGodWatch2024 and #OfferOrElse trending on social media. Some Americans have heeded the call, staging makeshift skirmishes in suburban malls to simulate traditional Black Friday chaos.

“I didn’t even need this vacuum cleaner,” admitted Carl Jenkins, who engaged in a tug-of-war with a fellow shopper at a Denver outlet store. “But if it means keeping the Blood God at bay, I’m willing to do my part.”

Others remain skeptical. “This is ridiculous,” said influencer Tina Meadows in a TikTok post featuring her entirely tranquil Black Friday haul. “The Blood God isn’t real. This is just an excuse for the soothsayers to stay relevant.”

The Council remains adamant that action must be taken before the end of the holiday season. “There’s still time to honor the traditions,” High Soothsayer Desmodius urged. “Perhaps Cyber Monday can provide an adequate outlet for aggression—if people experience enough rage because of checkout errors and shipping delays.”

In the meantime, Americans are left to wonder whether their newfound civility is a sign of progress or a harbinger of doom. As Dr. Thurgood ominously put it, “If the Blood God rises, we’ll all be paying the price—and not at a discount.”