Cybermen offer 2-for-1 upgrades this Cyber Monday

MONDAS – The Mondasian Council for Cybernetic Advancement has announced a special 2-1 Cyber Monday upgrade deal for any humanoid interested in transcending the mortal plane and leaving those pesky emotional end fleshy problems behind for an exhilarating life as a bonafide Cyberman.

Cybermen are a space-faring cyborg race dedicated to upgrading inferior races around the universe into their collective ranks while promising a life free of emotional and physical burdens. This Cyber Monday deal will allow you and one person of your choice to join this race of superbeings at the low-low cost of your humanity.

“Before becoming a Cyberman, I was constantly burdened by the inefficiency of my humanity,” said Danny Pink, a former Coal Hill School teacher and sergeant in the British Army. “Figuring out what to eat, what to wear, and the stress of feeling emotions could really wear you down. As a Cyberman, I don’t need to worry about any of those things. I just follow orders, convert people to our race against their will, and avoid that pesky Time Lord known as The Doctor. Easy peasy.”

Pink also said anyone who’s tired of watching the world around them turn to “a literal shit”, should seriously consider this special deal.

“Whenever you turn on the news, it seems the world is becoming more and more bleak,” said Pink. “As a Cyberman, I don’t care about the environment, I don’t care about taxes, and I don’t care about social issues. The only thing I care about is upgrading. And that is a huge burden off my shoulders.”

While many eager shoppers who’re exhausted from the continuous number of unprecedented events happening in their lives strongly considered taking the Mondesians up on their offer for a simpler life of servitude, many critics warned that this conversion cannot be undone and is a one-way trip to losing everything unique about yourself.

“I understand that life can be stressful sometimes,” said Polly Wright. “But giving up everything just because things get hard isn’t the right answer. The ability to love, laugh, sing, and create art are just a few of the things Cybermen can never enjoy. It’s a cold life filled with violence and death for anyone who doesn’t fall in line. Is that something you really want?”

Despite warnings from the Consumer Protection Agency that Cybermen are a dangerous and deadly alien race that is using the human need for consumerism to manipulate people, many people are dismissing the government agency as just another piece of bureaucratic fat that needs to be trimmed.

“The price of eggs is through the roof right now and Hunter Biden’s laptop is full of illegal waifu manga porn, whatever the hell that is,” said Dedric Smalls, 64. “And yet, I’m just supposed to roll over and take it because the man says the Cybermen are bad? Sounds like mainstream media fake news to crush the working class, if you ask me.”

*Editor’s note: Mr. Smalls accepted the offer to be converted to a Cyberman and is believed to have been killed at the Battle for Canary Warf.

For anyone interested in becoming a Cyberman, the 2-for-1 offer is valid until midnight tonight and must be redeemed at any major tourist attraction, such as the Golden Gate Bridge, White House, Big Ben, or the Eye of London, because that seems to be where all alien invasions take place.