REPORT: Mystery UAPs allegedly searching for intelligent life

NEW YORK – A new report issued by the FBI and Department of Homeland Security suggests that the mysterious unidentified aerial phenomena, more passionately called UAPs by believers, that have been flying over the East Coast are searching for—and likely failing to find—intelligent life on our planet.

The report comes after code being transmitted between the alleged drones was intercepted and decoded by a team of researchers at U.S. Space Force Command’s Center for Unexplained Non-Terrestrial Things (CUNT).

“It appears that these drones have been sweeping the East Coast of the United States in search for intelligent life,” said Lt. Gen. Geri Dingus, CUNT commander. “I’m not sure what’s more worrisome, the fact we’re literally right here or the possibility these alien entities don’t find us intelligent. Either way, their behavior is extremely rude.”

Dingus also echoed the Pentagon’s statement that, although they’re not entirely sure where these drones are coming from, they likely don’t pose any significant threat to anyone if even humanity’s brightest minds don’t qualify as intelligent life. Skeptics, however, turn to arguably the most important tome in Science Alt Fact literature, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, as proof that humanity’s apparent stupidity will likely be the root cause of its destruction at the hands of these extraterrestrial beings.

“In The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the Vogon destroy Earth to make way for a hyperspace bypass because they don’t see humanity as an intelligent species and Earth is in the way for interstellar convenience,” said Brandon Sanderson, author of The Stormlight Archive Series, and self-proclaimed Douglas Adams fanboy. “In all of my extensive experience reading and writing science fiction, I can tell you these drones are most likely a scouting party for the bigger mothership who will enslave humanity and destroy our planet. Either that, or it’s the government and they’re just not being totally honest with us. Either one is totally plausible.”

Many critics of the UAP theory suggest Sanderson’s latter theory about the government is the most likely, citing the U.S. military’s advanced technology to track aerial objects entering the country’s airspace.

“If these drones were a legitimate threat, the government would’ve at least attempted to shoot those fuckers down,” said Abe Franklin, a farmer in Southern New Jersey where many of these mysterious drones were first seen. “The fact they don’t want us taking shots at them should be further proof that they belong to the government and they don’t want us messin’ up the paint job on their shiny new, overpriced toys.”

Franklin also said the only thing that doesn’t make any sense is that if they were the government’s drones, why they wouldn’t just say they were on some sort of training mission, or similar cookie-cutter excuse the military has used to explain their strange behavior in the past.

“Look, our military knows where they took off from, if it’s a garage they can go right into that garage,” President-Elect Donald Trump said during a press conference at Mar-a-Lago. “They know where it came from and where it went … Our military knows, and our president knows, and for some reason they want to keep people in suspense. If it was the enemy, they’d blast it out. Even if they were late, they’d blast it. Something strange is going on. For some reason they don’t want to tell the people.”

“It’s not that we don’t know what’s going on,” said Dingus. “It’s more an issue of national and world security. If it got out there that these aliens thought we were just a bunch of knuckle-dragging moronic apes picking at our own asses then smelling our fingers for entertainment, the liberals would probably have an existential meltdown about their overpriced education system was not working in the eyes of a superior race and the conservatives would gather their arsenal of pea shooters to try and exact revenge on them for insulting America. Either way, the fragile American psyche would break, and the rest of the planet would likely suffer because of it. In cases like this, it’s best to just pretend we’re big, dumb apes who don’t know what’s going on, even though we do.”

According to a source close to the investigation, the FBI, DHS, and CUNT, will keep the lid on the truth behind these mysterious drones for as long as possible, but admit that with a story this juicy, it’s only a matter of time until some underpaid intern gets on Discord to spill on their secrets for a little bit of internet clout. Until that time, however, the common American is left to use their imaginations about what these UFOs actually are.