Dick Hardy’s must watch Christmas movies

It’s almost Christmas, which means I will be hunkering down in my parent’s basement to watch my favorite holiday movies while actively avoiding my family for the foreseeable future. With that in mind, here is a list of my go-to Christmas movies that I’ll be bingeing until a time I can escape the required pleasantries of the season.

1. Die Hard

Okay, Let’s get this one out of the way. Die Hard is a Christmas movie, the Pope even said so, so don’t even think about commenting anything stupid like, “well actually …” because you’re wrong. So yes, I like to ring in the holiday season by celebrating the death of terrorists at the hands of the most patriotic New York City cop to ever grace the golden screen, and you should, too.

Let’s move on, yippee ki-yay mother fuckers.

2. Fat Man

Santa is tired of everyone’s shit. Right of the bat, this is a sentiment that resonates deeply with me. If you’re looking for a new holiday classic to add to your viewing rotation this holiday season, Fat Man is the movie for you. It’s more violent than Die Hard, but it literally features Santa as the main protagonist so there’s no way you can say this isn’t a Christmas movie.

Mel Gibson and Walton Goggins together are an action movie fan’s wet dream. Santa (Gibson) is losing his holiday cheer as every passing Christmas eve becomes more and more dangerous for the holly, jolly king of the elves. He even considers loaning out his workshop to the U.S. military because, fuck it, there isn’t enough coal for all the ungrateful, naughty people in the world anyway. Then, everything hits its tipping point when one spoiled little brat hires a hitman (Goggins) to kill Santa after he doesn’t like what’s left under his tree.

3. Violent Night

You’ve probably realized that I’m a big fan of what you might call untraditional Christmas movies, and this movie fits the bill. Violent Night features David Harbour as an alcoholic Santa Claus who goes down the wrong chimney at the wrong time. He finds himself in the middle of a heist by Luigi Mario himself, John Leguizamo. Santa, being a symbol of peace and happiness, doesn’t want any trouble with the heavily armed bad guys, but when he realizes a little girl from the Nice List is trapped in the house, he shows those goons the real meaning of Christmas … by killing them.

4. Noelle

In Noelle, Anna Kendrick plays a Christmas-themed serial killer hellbent of revenging her family who was murdered on Christmas Eve when she was a child. Not really, but that would be awesome, wouldn’t it? She actually plays Noelle Kringle, Santa’s Christmas-obsessed daughter. When Santa sadly passes away, his son Nick (Bill Hader) is tasked with becoming the next Santa Clause. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to do it and runs away to Pheonix, Arizona to become a yoga instructor.

Noelle is a heart-felt comedy that blends a lot of traditional Christmas themes in an upbeat modern environment. It doesn’t have any terrorists or Michael Bay-esque explosions, but it does have Anna Kendrick. I don’t really think I need to provide any more explanation.

5. Home Alone

Home Alone is the OG violent Christmas story and a must watch movie in my house this time of year. Watching Joe Pesci get his golden tooth knocked out by a flying paint can will always have me howling like someone who just had their medical claims denied watch their provider’s CEO get whacked by a vigilante.

Besides the fact this movie made 8-year-old me want to be a real-life Fred Jones when I grew up, it also has one of the most amazing Christmas scores of all times, written and composed by the infamous John Williams. That man can make even the shittiest SyFy channel movie into a mind-bending cinematic experience through his music.

6. A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story is singlehandedly responsible for my obsession with legs. Long legs. Long leg lamps, to be specific. It’s also the reason why I’m such a die hard believer in the second amendment—after all, every kid should be the proud owner of a Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot Range Model Air Rifle to learn how to defend their home from commie threats. You don’t need two eyes anyway.

7. ELF

Elf is peak Will Ferrell comedy, only outdone by his performance as Ricky Bobby in Talladega Nights and Ron Burgundy in Anchorman. The movie is filled with memorable one liners that can be used any time of the year. And when you match Ferrell’s signature goofy antics with the iconic dramatic appeal of Zooey Deschanel alongside acting legends of Bob Newhart and Ed Asner, and it’s obvious why this is such a modern holiday classic.

8. Gremlins

There will be people who read this list and think that Gremlins is not a holiday movie. These are probably the same people who think Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie and they’re still wrong. Gizmo (a mystical elf-looking creature) is given as a Christmas gift by Randall Peltzer (an inventor like Santa Claus). Sure, people die and things blow up, but you know what? At the end of the movie, Gizmo learns the meaning of Christmas and stops his fellow lizard demon babies from destroying humanity. Suck on that Miracle on 34th Street.

9. Black Christmas

Are we back to slasher films? Yes. Black Christmas is basically what you’d get if Scream happened during Christmas break. It’s about a group of college sorority students who are stalked by a murderous stranger who, well, kills them. By this point, I’m sure a lot of you are thinking the same thing, why are all these violent movies considered Christmas movies? Murder and violence are not very Christian. Um, hi, have you heard about the Crusades?

Ho Ho Ho, the violence stays.

10. Batman Returns

Okay, so I’ll be completely honest, I Batman Returns more for Michelle Pfeiffer’s Cat Woman suit than I do for the plot, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a Christmas movie. To begin, the movie takes place during Christmastime, obviously this is grounds for any movie to be considered a Christmas movie. Throughout the film, the Penguin’s story closely resembles that of Moses (i.e. his plot to kidnap all the first-born children of Gotham), a pretty important figure in Christianity. There’s also the themes of revenge, power, greed, and class, which basically makes this the DC version of A Christmas Carol, if the Christmas ghosts were penguins.

I’m sure there were some more things in there, too, but I got lost looking for my reflection in Cat Woman’s suit.

Anyway, go watch these movies. They’re good and will fill you with holiday cheer, maybe. Either that or it will make you filled with bloodlust. Either way, happy holidays.