REPORT: PTSD cases on the rise among veterans of the War on Christmas

WASHINGTON D.C. – A new study released by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs shows a significant uptick in post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, among veterans of the ongoing War on Christmas.

Unsurprisingly, reported cases of PTSD among this group of veterans peaks in December and continues through the new year.

“We see cases of PTSD in veterans throughout the year, but December is a particularly difficult month for WOC veterans, for obvious reasons,” said Dr. Christoph Krampus, a psychiatrist at the Washington VA Medical Center. “Sadly, many instances of PTSD are brought on by the tinniest of triggers, such as seeing a menorah or Jewish person, watching a Happy Hondadays commercial, or hearing the CVS cashier wish someone a happy holidays rather than a Merry Christmas.”

Krampus also said he thinks the saddest part of these veterans’ stories is how the American public have seemingly forgotten the service and sacrifice these warriors have made to ensure everyone, regardless of their religion, have a very merry Christmas.

“Ever since I first sat down with my first WOC veteran patient, and hearing his story, I’ve made a conscious effort to try and talk more about the War on Christmas in social gathering to get a pulse on people’s thoughts toward it,” said Krampus. “The amount of people who don’t even realize we’re still at war over Christmas is mind-boggling. Though, I’m not really surprised considering the mainstream media has zero coverage of it.”

America and its NATO allies first created its Combined Joint Task Force – Operation Holy Night in 2017 after then-President Donald Trump declared war on the holiday season, vowing to end all non-Christian pleasantries intended to create an inclusive environment for all Americans, regardless of their religious preferences.

“We will make everyone say Merry Christmas in America, that’s what Americans do,” said Trump at a recent press conference. “Jesus was a great, white American and I just think it’s terrible how Sleepy Joe and the Democrat’s woke agenda aims to discredit such an incredible man. They should all be in prison for that. That’s what I think. ‘Round them all up on trains and send them to camps if they don’t do it. Why not?”

According to a 2023 Gallup poll, only about 67% of Americans identify as Christian. While a clear majority, critics of the War on Christmas claim that it’s an unjust—and unnecessary—conflict against millions of Americans who’re executing their right to religious freedom.

“Look, I’m not a very religious person, but it seems pretty ridiculous that people are making such a big deal about this,” said Donovan Guthrie, a Baltimore native who identifies as an atheist. “By wishing someone a happy holidays, you’re not taking anything away from Christians celebrating Christmas, you’re simply trying to be inclusive to the millions of people who don’t celebrate Christmas. I thought Christianity was all about loving thy neighbor, but apparently that only exists for people who agree with you theologically.”

For many veterans of the War on Christmas, however, it’s not so much the idea that Christians can’t be inclusive, it’s about how the American population is rapidly deserting the religion for less-acceptable fantasy deities to govern their lives, or no religious affiliation at all.

“Since 1990, we’ve seen 27% drop in people who identify as Christian and that number is growing,” said Maj. Kurt Lorenzo, spokesman for CJTF-OHN. “I think that’s a key factor in why we’re seeing such a significant uptick in PTSD numbers. We’re not winning this battle of hearts, minds, and miraculous birth. Jesus died for our sins and these warriors are out there dying for Jesus, but it’s not having the effect we need to win this war.”

*Editor’s note: there has not been a single recorded fatality in the War on Christmas, but there have been a lot of hurt feelings.

CJTF-OHN recently announced they’re going to increase the number of soldiers in has boots on ground, similar to how the U.S. and coalition forces amplified their presence in Iraq in 2007, to try and crush the anti-Christian movement in the stretch up to Christmas.

Phase one of this surge encouraged stores to put out Christmas decorations and play Christmas music months in advance; you may have seen stores preparing for the holiday as early as September this year. Phase two involves amplifying the rage against Starbucks and its “holiday” cups and sending poignant and sharply worded letters to municipalities who diversify their holiday decorations. Phase three, which coalition leadership hopes it won’t have to resort to, will involve asking President-elect Trump to illegalize any religion or any person who opts to purposefully reject the teachings of Jesus.

“I think we all just want this conflict to have a peaceful resolution,” said Lorenzo. “If people would just allow Jesus into their hearts, this could all end tomorrow. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for people to embrace our lord and savior and find peace in knowing they’ve got a seat waiting for them in the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“God will still let us into Heaven if we ask his forgiveness before we die, right?” asked Guthrie. “Then fuck it, I’m doing all the drugs and fuckin’ all the bitches before I cash out of this place. YOLO, as the kids say. If God made us in his image, then I can’t imagine he’d disapprove.”

“Effin’ A,” said God. “Effin’ A.”