Local man has already given up on his New Years resolutions

CHARLOTTE, N.C. – Studies show that nearly 80% of New Years resolutions are abandoned by the middle of February, so one local man is taking it upon himself to get ahead of any disappointment by giving up on his 2025 resolutions before the new year kicks off at midnight tonight.

Thomas Gallagher, 34, has historically followed the national trend by abandoning his goals to make his life better early in the new year, but says his decision to give up before even trying is fueled by the disappointment he feels when he has to tell people he’s given up, which has placed him in a really dark place emotionally and spiritually.

“You know, for some reason we go into the new year thinking a different digit at the end of the date will magically make us better at all the shit we sucked at for the past 52 weeks, or more,” said Gallagher. “I’m tired of paying for gym memberships or new books, only to have to come up with lame excuses to tell people about why my fat ass isn’t on a treadmill or why I’s rather doom scroll TikTok than read the latest paperback at the grocery store. So, I’m just not going to do it this year. I’ve already failed Janet, is that what you want me to say? Are you happy now, Steven? Fuck you all.”

Surprisingly, Gallagher isn’t alone in his disdain for trying to make himself a better person. According to an Alpine 6 Action News poll, nearly 90% of Millennials and Gen X adults have abandoned their pursuit of self-betterment, choosing a looser, don’t give a fuck anymore mentality for 2025.

“Do I wish I had a flatter tummy and could look sexy in that skimpy bikini I had in college, again? Of course,” said Erin Fitzpatrick, 41. “But have you seen the news lately? We’ve got UFOs flying over New Jersey, there are wars being fought all around the world, CEOs are getting murdered on the street, and billionaires are getting wealthier while the rest of us have to take out a mortgage to buy eggs. Forget six pack abs and hand me a six pack of Michelob Ultra. If I’m going to watch the world burn, I’m going to do it with a buzz.”

Despite the growing pessimism among the middle-aged crowd, New Years resolutions have found new popularity among the younger generations who’re rediscovering the tradition after, apparently, not learning about it from their burnt-out parents.

“So, I just learned about this really cute thing from my grandmother called a New Years resolution,” said TikTok user QueenRizz69 in a recent video. “Apparently in ancient times, like before 9-11 or whatever, people used to create goals to help themselves become a better version of themselves. Like, sometimes they’d say they want to eat healthier, or exercise more, and stuff like that. And they would just put it out there in the universe and hope it comes true. I think, like, that’s so inspirational and I don’t understand why we don’t do it anymore. Like, I think I want to start making this a trend. Hashtag resolution.”

Researchers at the University of Rhode Island’s Institute for Obvious Conclusions suggest that middle aged Americans are becoming less enthusiastic about creating New Years resolutions because the number of unprecedented events they’ve had to endure, in conjunction with the social and economic pressures they’re forced to overcome on a daily basis, have simply depleted their capacity for giving a damn.

“So, when you look at what the average American has lived through over the past 25 years, it’s actually quite remarkable that the entire country isn’t inhabited by a warmongering tribe of caffeine addicts and alcoholics,” said Dr. Francis Dufraine, a neuropsychologist and researcher at the IOC. “According to our research, the average American between the ages of 26-44 have lived through more unprecedented events than the previous six generations, combined. When you look at the numbers, it’s no wonder people have given up hope for a better new year, as each new year seems to ring in a new level of unimaginable strife to deal with.”

The theme for unimaginable strife in 2025 appears to be what’s old is new again, as scientists are already in the pre-pandemic planning phase for a recent outbreak of bird flu and President-elect Donald Trump’s proposed economic plan has economists warning that goods are about to get exponentially more expensive.

If the past few years are any indication of how next year will go, nothing in our wildest imaginations will prepare us for what’s to come. So, with all that in mind, from all of us at Alpine 6 Action News, we hope you have a happy, safe, and uneventful New Year.