Trump signs executive order for all American crops to be watered with energy drinks

WASHINGTON D.C. – In one of his first acts as the 47th President of the United States, Donald Trump has signed an executive order that mandates all American farmers immediately begin watering their crops with Brawndo, an energy drink rich in electrolytes.

The decision has baffled agricultural experts who say the sugary caffeinated beverage lacks the nutritional value plants need to survive, let alone thrive. However, the incoming president insists the move will “make America great again.”

“These so-called experts are nothing but phonies and frauds,” said Trump. “Elon Musk told me Brawndo has electrolytes. Plants crave electrolytes, did you know that? I didn’t know that, but it’s true. This decision, which is a great decision, by the way, will make American farms great again. People around the world will look at our crops and say, ‘wow, those are some really great crops.'”

Trump also said, forcing American farmers to switch from water to Brawndo, a company that Elon Musk recently purchased, will free up more water to stop natural disasters, like the wildfires ravaging through California, from ever happening again.

“California is burning because of Gavin Newsom’s woke liberal policies,” said Trump. “It’s a real shame what he’s done to that beautiful state. There were never any wildfires in California before the stupid liberals took over. It’s really sad how much they hate America. But that’s all going to stop now that I’m back in the White House. Using energy drinks, which RFK Jr. tells me are really healthy for you, actually, instead of water will leave more water in the ground—where it belongs—and prevent wildfires from beginning in the first place.”

Despite the throngs of agricultural experts warning the president about the consequences of using a chemical-infused beverage instead of the naturally occurring water to feed plants, Trump’s allies have come to his defense in the most cult-like behavior since he first announced his bid for presidency in 2016.

“I’ve always grown up under the impression that plants need water to survive,” said Brooke Rollins, Trump’s cabinet pick to head the U.S. Department of Agriculture. “But I’m going to do as my president tells me to do because I’m too scared of what he’ll do if I say no. So, do I think switching from water to Brawndo is a good idea? Of course. It has electrolytes, which are what plants crave.”

This controversial executive order is just one of many Trump has planned for his first day in office. Others include renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and ending birthright citizenship—something he can’t actually do with an executive action because it’s enshrined in the Constitution as part of the 14th Amendment, but that pesky little detail isn’t going to stop him from trying.

We asked a group of American farmers if they plan on abiding by the president’s executive order and we received a resounding no from all of them. However, when they learned that failing to subsidize Elon Musk’s pet project—which he didn’t create but is taking credit for—will result in terrorism charges, they immediately changed their tune and insisted that they’ll begin retrofitting their aqueduct systems to handle the carbonation because “Brawndo has electrolytes, which are what plants crave.”